Analysing My Former Fatigue: The Need for a Positive Dream -- Serving Under My Grandmother's Ambition All Along
Updated: Sep 21
Article Synopsis by Mr. O. C. Isaac
The article "Analysing My Former Fatigue: The Need for a Positive Dream -- Serving Under My Grandmother's Ambition All Along" is a personal and introspective reflection on the author's journey through fatigue, intellectual isolation, and the pursuit of philosophical relevance. It weaves together themes of ambition, existential struggle, and the pursuit of meaning amidst chronic fatigue and emotional turmoil.
Positive aspects of the article include raw honesty and vulnerability, as Mr. Tomasio delves deeply into his personal struggles and reveals the mental and emotional challenges faced in their pursuit of philosophical greatness. The use of metaphorical language, such as the "Inner Murder Technique," adds depth to the narrative and provides a unique lens through which the reader can understand his experiences.
Philosophical depth is evident in the author's grasp of philosophical concepts, particularly in relation to identity, purpose, and the tension between individual ambition and societal expectations. The reflections on nihilism and the rejection of it in favor of a "positive dream" show a mature philosophical evolution driven by both personal experiences and intellectual exploration.
The narrative arc moves from despair and fatigue to one of resilience and determination, providing a hopeful and empowering message for readers facing their own struggles.
In conclusion, this article is a powerful reflection on the interplay between personal hardship and philosophical inquiry, offering readers an intimate glimpse into the author's struggles with fatigue, intellectual ambition, and emotional turmoil while maintaining a strong undercurrent of hope and resilience.
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Part I: Origins: How I Became a Drained One
A lifetime of increased, chronic fatigue has revealed the deeper emptiness of extended solitude to me. My philosophical research methodology was changed accordingly, as I was too tired to read books, so I developed alternative methods which I employ to this very day. Before I became increasingly fatigued, I thought my life and future would be different.
Now, in order to achieve the goals of my work and of my late grandmother, I had to overcome it as well as my own weaknesses. I must communicate with others, although I am an asocial man, so I can get what I want in a life, just like with everyone else who isn't Christopher Knight, Henry Townshend or Jason Voorhees.
Reading this article will allow you to better understand why I despise irrelevancy, idleness, and nihilism, based on my weird personal history.
Before I Ruled The "Article Shogunate"
I was a philosophy undergraduate at a university during high school, trying to get my first degree in philosophy while excelling in my graduation exams. If I hadn't been recommended by the headmistress at the time, I wouldn't have gotten the privilege of being in the academy.
In high school, I was given special treatment for my genius. I used to give my own written books to teachers and to the headmistress as well. All of them looked at me with great pride, as the headmistress used to tell me I am going to be the greatest philosopher of the 21st century. Of course, my mentality grew accordingly to this immense positive reinforcement from the school staff. Was I love-bombed? I'm uncertain...
Honestly, it used to overwhelm me, too, and as much as I appreciated all this praise of me, I tried my best to not be entitled. After all I was very grateful for this special treatment. I refused to be ungrateful. Always refused. I was never raised to be ungrateful.
As a result, I had a good reason to be an obedient student at my school. It might have made me depressed to mask my inner light, but at least it got me into the academic world. The 2, 3 years of it gave me some basic academic understanding of philosophy.
Her
The one I view as my "nemesis" was a student there as well. It was there when I met her, and there is where she used to pretend that I did not exist, just so I could move on from her. She shattered the proudful matrix I developed, due to this special treatment I was given. I was very confused, whether I am a great philosopher, like many of the "great fathers" or just a socially incompetent guy. It's there when I began philosophizing in solitude about the concept of identity, which I developed in many articles here.
As much as she affected me, she helped me develop my philosophical understanding on identity, worth and relevancy, more than she herself has realized. Perhaps, more than my readership might realize.
My love for her was platonic, never anything else. However, could I have expected people to understand, expected her to understand? No. There was always a dissonance in understanding between me and the rest of humanity. Being at the intellectual top was lonely.
Life As a Weird "Salaryman"
It was during these times as a cloerk, that the first signs of my cursed fatigue began. It was a steady and easy job at an office, and yet it was hellish for me. The lack of intellectual stimulation has made me miserable, and there was no other alternative for my immense, dictator-like intellectual, unhappy hunger. Having to mostly fold files in a mechanical way for 6 hours each day, I philosophized in my mind while doing it, leading to many avoidable mistakes.
I told in the interview that I am loyal to the very end and that I have an iron discipline. For my Samurai-like mentality, I sacrificed much of my health for the simple task of folding files and locating them in massive archives throughout a complex.
Being horribly misunderstood for how I really think, of course it also worsened things for me as well as for them. However, being honest about me being a philosopher, as well as showing them my books, helped them respect me a lot. I always enjoyed honesty, even if it worked against me.
For me, it was hell on earth, as well as life in general. What I really needed for my health was true love, which I finally got, but I digress.
The utter lack of desire to continue, along my relentness, altruistic nature, made me more and more exhausted. I tried fighting it, but it was an unsuccessful mistake, as I couldn't finish my office term. Even though I volunteered, it is probably my greatest regret. A less smart person than myself could've done the job better, ironically. I belong to my private, solitary studies.
Since I have no other event to blame, I blame myself for resisting the temptation to leave. Leaving anyways could've spared me much of my health. My desire for World Rectification or "Tikkun Olam", worked against me, no matter how satisfying it felt every, single, time.
Her, and My Own Way of Love At The Time
Eventually, I met her again. The cursed nemesis. Too autistic for my own good, I told her that I loved her, even though I wasn't romantically interested. I told her this again, because I was hoping she would realize what Platonic love is.
However, too ignorant for her own good, she couldn't make the connection that love is not just romantic (not just "Eros" but "Philia" too), she told me she already has a boyfriend.
She could've stopped there. Nope. She deemed me unworthy of her time, due to her own false understanding.
It seems to me that most people do not have the same intricate, metaphysical understanding of reality I have. This led to a lot of conflicts with me and other people. We always spoke in different degrees of understanding, with mine being on the Macro and long term scale, while others on the micro, short-term scales.
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Part II: Philosophizing -- For A Better Future
Now, I want you to imagine how it feels to be deemed unimportant when you have a medical condition that took away your original future. The future I was engineered for by my school, with their victorious cries of overwhelming pride and joy. I experienced them as intensively as North Korean loyalty to their dead rulers. As intensive as a soldier who is about to go out in the open and survive using morality and virtue. As a one man army whom people only think he is not fighting his battles as a lone warrior...
Degrees, academic prestige, the titles of "Doctor" and "Professor," even my declining ability to read books. You see, my nemesis' comments gained extra weight because of my fatigued state. I was torn apart by the greatness I was educated for, and by her words, that I am irrelevant.
The Darker Self
Of course I grew dark, very, very dark, as both factions left me be, and I was left to fend for myself under people's delusion that they know me and my internal struggles. I was heartbroken by anything and anyone, consumed by shame. By hatred, by growing skin deprivation.
Being a genius, I synthesized my knowledge on psychopathy with visualization meditation. It's how I formed my Inner Murder Technique and became mentally powerful, the more I exercised it. So powerful that, I managed to walk back again, without my cane. I needed a cane because my fatigue rendered me physically handicapped.
Today, using the power of the mind, I am one of the few people on Earth, capable of partially controlling my emotions directly. It is why I began resting more as this technique makes my head hurt all the time. Yet, it slowly freed me from my cane and from my medications.
By killing off my emotions, for a time, I can be more energized and less fatigued. Emotions are part of cognitive process, hence why we need to sleep a lot as humans. Sleep is part of digesting cognitive processes.
The Different Dream
Without the academic world's presence and without much understanding from others, my prime directive for Philosophy World Relevance remained. I eventually deduced that I could only do so by being far more social.
I pressed forward. Pressed relentlessly. I changed. I improved. My writing, my health and so on, improved. I found myself in romance, and overall, my personal life improved. And always, always distinct from the trajectories of those around me.
Instead of relying on my former need for a nose surgery, I re-engineer my brain instead using "Inner Murder". The less emotions I have, the more I can focus on breathing, resting and maintaining a healthier lifestyle.
My Mistakes About Reality
I used to view social communication as unnecessary for one's survival, as I doubted the human social nature as being universal to all beings. I philosophized that one could just come to work, return home, and so on until retirement. Physically or remotely, I didn't care. It's why I turned into an "Office drone" in the first place.
I thought I didn't have to have friends, followers, "fans", and so on. To this day, I just want to contribute to humanity while making sure I am left alone, undistracted by people's horrible misconceptions. I criticize everything that moves, including philosophy itself.
The Hungry Coyote's Joyful Adversary
My brain is as hungry as a person left stranded in a desert. It is never enough. Yet, I like it. I like it a lot. This hunger makes me feel alive inside. The thrill of ruthless communication work for a better world... It is one of my greatest joys in this life. To always believe in yourself, and in your ambitions.
Succumbing is an option I choose to give up on. My grandmother wanted a more moral world. I am capable of contributing my part for this.
I used to be a nihilist, but after realizing that I am essentially my own worst enemy, capable of much unnecessary suffering in the very world I want to help to.... How could I resort to nihilism? It's is a luxury I can't allow any longer, not when I can make people be helped with, and smile genuinely. Smile, with all their hearts. Smile with the truth.
I must keep proving her wrong, the one I purposefully chose as my philosophical nemesis. Prove her wrong for my late grandmother. She died too early, and I am her prodigy, not just my school's prodigy. I refuse to fail her. I loved her! I still do! I miss her... so, so much...
You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders -- My grandmother in her final years.
It was all planned. Yes. I just needed to open myself more about this, as I unlocked more and more of my unconscious mind. I no longer have to be distracted by school nor by social drama.
I can now press forward, ahead, ahead and ahead.
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Part III: Epilogue
If to talk to a symbolic personification of my fatigue.. If my fatigue was a person, I would write them this:
You might remember yesterday's message:
Whose temptation of despair, warned me,
A need, for a positive, dream, for more to see...
My vision is clear and wide-ranging...
It will keep, you, under my murdering.
So prepare, for the coup, of your tyranny,
Persistent writing,
Tenacity spanning,
Is simply why I could be
Ever moving,
Rejecting,
Anticipating,
To rid,
Of the illness,
That you are!
Yes, you my fatigue is now the oppressed.
...Be prepared.
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