It appears that my capacity of human emotion has been dwindling, bit by bit. It's not even something I'm sad about, I'm just beginning to naturally see this existence in a lesser regard, not because I want to, but because it happens so intuitively. The things which we hold in high regard, what is their point, beyond the things and beings which allow us to survive?
I've been in a largely physical isolation for one or more weeks, since my neighbour on the other side of the wall was sick with something contagious.
Having no other person to be in my physical company, I only began seeing the world with even more repulse. Repulse, not because I hate the world, but because I don't really understand its significance in the overall scheme of things, and perhaps, my own, as well.
When you reach a certain amount of independence from other people, you then begin to question their necessity in your life. I was criticized by a minor antagonist about me being so hooked up on machinery to live -- the gaming console, the computer and so on, instead of actual company.
Perhaps, since my childhood, I'm simply a solitary animal, rather than a social one. Perhaps I keep this site afloat so I could justify my existence, in a life that is overall boring and isolated.
I really like the delusion that we need friends in order to be happy. It is a very broad generalization, because once you get used to your own company, the necessity for friendship would decrease. Some people regard me as their friend, but in my eyes they are simply contacts I write to, just like I write to you right now.
If I was capable of true human independence, one that doesn't require my neighbour to help me function, then I might as well be even more solitary than I already am. I don't want to be loved, I don't want to be seen as a friend; I am merely someone who writes so he could feel more significant than he actually is, in theory. My contacts are what they are, people whom I write to.
Any increase of human emotion... makes me cringe for some reason. The delusion that emotion is that highly regarded, even emotion which makes you suffer, is quite amusing to me.
Why desire emotion that makes you feel anguished? Why desire emotion which makes you unstable? isn't emotion, ultimately, nothing more than a biochemical drug, created within the body, triggered by external affairs?
I'm not even sure if I'll be able to love again. I only think of love as knowledge I don't have -- the empirical knowledge of a romantic relationship. Other than that, it is quite unnecessary and demanding.
I never understood this need to be someone else's, or for someone else to be yours. I just live my days alone and that's it. All the emotional complexions that follow -- what is their point, in the large scheme or things? To make you in pain? To make you escape from the inevitable monotony of life?
In case you were wondering, I'm not a sociopath. I just belittle the importance of emotions, especially those who serve more as an obstacle than anything else. Whenever I am at peace, I belittle the things and beings which keep me away from it.
I don't mind sacrificing much of my life just to have peace. Peace, after all, is the absence of emotion; it's the one that makes life seem go faster and with little to-no conflict; It's the one that makes you be less emotionally intense.
I'm actually a bit glad to be a bit further away from my neighbour, who's also my mother. I see her success as a poet, and all I can think of, is why would anyone enjoy being so emotionally intensified?
Perhaps if I wasn't chronologically fatigued, than my capacity for human emotion would be bigger. Anything that makes me excited, could also make me quite tired... This world could be so overwhelming at times, wouldn't you agree?
Mmm... I'm getting exhausted from this. At least my morning pills will be taken at dawn, maybe then I will emote more, maybe not.
...Why am I even loved and hated? Why do emotions even exist, beyond the ensuring of survival? Why can't we just regard or disregard without the necessity of intensifying emotion? Is this all a product of an overstretched influence, of a certain someone who was extremely cold to me? Is it... because of her.. that I dislike emotion? Because emotional regard could bring suffering, and, in a sense, grief?