"Erase me," she ordered.
"From Whatsapp?" I asked.
"From WhatsApp; from Facebook; from life."
"I haven't done anything wrong, have I?"
"You have done nothing wrong," she summarized.
"Okay," I replied.
Thus ended the Ms. Chen saga.
In reality, what I wanted to ask was, "If I have done nothing wrong, then what's the issue? Why are you so eager to dispose of me if I have done no wrong?" I could've asked that, but that is too late. All I am left to do is seek vengeance over her method of disposing of those she sees as irrelevant.
Why? Because I can't do anything else to satisfy my innate need for knowledge. Not all people are as open or honest as Google or any other search engine. In the end, your status as a philosopher will not grant you access to all the truths that you seek.
That is the greatest difficulty any honest philosopher may face: the result of being and staying ignorant, regardless of the passion for knowledge. Other people won't always be willing to give you the answers you seek, and even though they might be the only people with said answers, there is really no other choice but to give up.
Humans can't reach omniscience, and even if we had all the secrets of the world opened to us, not all people would be willing to just share their interpersonal information related to themselves. Those are not secrets; those are partially unshared data.
A philosopher may be an inquisitor, but it is not moral for them to be an interrogator. You can't just expect people to tell you everything they know because there are social and emotional aspects involved. Even journalists may be expelled from certain places, like closed communities, because they have been too inquisitive and/or because people just prefer to keep to themselves.
Push too hard on the person you're asking, and you might shut down all the possible answers. You may already have a small chance of recovering from this person.
I've already been a pain in the back for her; trying to understand the situation better might be considered harassment. Thus, to take revenge on her, I can only do so by disproving her mistake about my character. That is the only thing regarding her that I'm not ready to give up on: showing people that they should not walk over me just because I seem too disposable to them.
In a way, through my philosophy, I have become a villain. My thirst for knowledge and clarity has made me a vengeful individual. Through being denied the truth, the inquisitive energy within me has been left unsatisfied, and vengeance appears to be the only way I can truly satiate it, by regressing to my child-self, the one who wished for world dominion.
Use his vision to "conquer" the world through my legacy. That will be my last laugh at those who refuse to tell me the truth about what I cannot attain myself due to disability.
Of course, no one has any obligation to give me the truth I seek. I do not pretend to deserve such dependence to be accessible to me as long as I live. Freedom of expression also means the choice to say nothing or say little.
The regretful trio of women have rejected me, one after the other, without telling me exactly why. I had the privilege of asking one of them why they did so, but that is where the privilege ended, as all I was met with was silence. They might think I am too unimportant to be given their reasoning, despite all the years that I have known each of them.
Is my existence that terrible? Is my behavior that disturbing? Is this my social punishment for being authentic and having no filters? I don't know how to act differently because I am autistic. The only mask I have is with regard to the intimate information that every other person has.
Either way, it seems that I am too irrelevant to properly explain why they left me. I saw each and every one of them with great respect, for I have the loyalty of a dog. When I see a new follower or a new subscriber, I am filled with naïve love. I used to feel bad when someone unfollowed or unsubscribed, but as I learned, that's inevitable.
But these women, you see, were more than just internet followers. They were people I knew personally; people who were my friends. Two of them I have known since middle school. And yet, perhaps that duration of time is too short for them to respect me like I respected them, or even close to that degree, if at all.
If you're going to abandon someone you have known for a long time, at least give them a reason that will satisfy them! Abandoning without doing so is like a partial form of ghosting! Do you know, the pain behind my urge for revenge? Being left in the dark is hurtful, and I will make them pay for not showing me the light by making myself a beacon for the world to recognize me and my contribution to it!
If I'm left in ignorance, then at least I'll make something out of it: a motivator; an ambition; a utilized anger. I will not demand that they give me the reasons I was eagerly seeking, because it is too late to do so, and their consent is beyond my control.
However, in compensation, I have an entire adult lifetime to show them that they should've done otherwise, that they should've respected me and not treated me like dirt beneath their feet.
I'm done with seeking love; I'm done with seeking friendships. Even if you are loyal as a dog, nothing ensures you won't be kicked in the gut by those whom you have considered friends.
When your energies are left unsatisfied, uninvested, and unanswered, they will either fade away or stay in storage within you, not letting go. Something must be done to let them out finally, because if I don't do so, they will forever haunt my mentality.
