Giving Up When Giving Is Due -- Why I Gave Up On Weakness
Updated: Feb 7
Lost in Silence
"Erase me," she ordered.
"From Whatsapp?" I asked.
"From WhatsApp; from Facebook; from life."
"I haven't done anything wrong, have I?"
"You have done nothing wrong," she summarized.
Thus ended the Ms. Chen saga.
**************************
In reality, what I wanted to ask was, "If I have done nothing wrong, then what's the issue? Why are you so eager to dispose of me if I have done no wrong?" I could've asked that, but that is too late. All I am left to do is seek vengeance over her method of disposing of those she sees as irrelevant. Of minorities such as myself, in a disadvantage by default for our inherit social incompetence.
Why? Because I can't do anything else to satisfy my innate need for knowledge... And later since then, I made it a norm of mine, to not be satisfied by anything. Regardless of my choice to whether find satisfaction or not, not all people are as open or honest as Google or any other search engine. In the end, your status as a philosopher will not grant you access to all the truths that you seek.
And for me it is all the more reason to be ruthless in my quest for the truth, with never intending to give up on that aspect. But not giving up on specific quests, may require giving up on other pursuits. Later on, I will explain further.
When Knowledge Requires More Than Just Curiosity
That is the greatest difficulty any honest philosopher may face: the result of being and staying ignorant, regardless of the passion for knowledge. Other people won't always be willing to give you the answers you seek, and even though they might be the only people with said answers, there is really no other choice but to give up.
Humans... can't reach omniscience, and even if we had all the secrets of the world opened to us, not all people would be willing to just share their interpersonal information related to themselves. Those are not secrets; those are partially unshared data.
A philosopher may be an inquisitor, but it is not moral for them to be an interrogator who would send henchmen to kidnap someone for information. You can't just expect people to tell you everything they know, as there are social and emotional aspects involved, that hinder them. Even journalists may be expelled from certain places, like closed communities, because they have been too inquisitive and/or because people just prefer to keep to themselves.
But the philosopher and the journalist must have more than just curiosity for their work. They must also be determined to do their jobs regardless of their willpower. That is how inner-strength increases efficency: One that surpasses your own willpower, through reason.
Push too hard on the person you're asking, and you might shut down all the possible answers. You may already have a small chance of recovering from this person. Then, all you're left with is your own reflective thinking, and logic.
Enhance your logic, and you'll know more with less external company.
A Society's Shameful Silence and One Man's Fury
I've already been a pain in the back for her; trying to understand the situation better through inquisition might be considered harassment. Thus, to take revenge on her, for making me feel pathetic and small, despite loving her, I'll disprove her mistake of my character, with each work session on Philosocom. That is the only thing regarding her that I'm not ready to give up on: Showing people that they should not walk over me just because I seem too disposable to them.
But I refuse to be weak. I refuse to believe in my inherit worth, when my disatisfaction can further expand by work as philosopher. For a satisfied philosopher is almost an oxymoron. The philosopher is always hungry for more, which distinguishes him or her from the sage.
I am broken, but I am fine with this state of being. I accept the source of my suffering. I give up on trying to solve what benefits me -- and you.
In a way, through my philosophy, I have become an anti-villain, connecting ruthlessness with greater output altruism. My thirst for knowledge and clarity has made me a vengeful individual. Through being denied the truth, the inquisitive energy within me has been left unsatisfied, and vengeance appears to be the only way I can truly satiate it.
Satiate it only partially, by regressing to my child-self, the one who wished for world domination. Use his vision to "conquer" the world through my legacy. That will be my last laugh at those who refuse to tell me the truth about what I couldn't attain myself due to my clueless autism. It's the last laugh of one who was depraved by the world of their company, for being too weird. For being... me.
I am too different, thus I was depraved of this world's love. But as my chest burned with skin deprivation no one wanted to help me fulfill, I changed. I became mentally stronger admist the insanity that has been brewing inside of me.
I decided that I will live whether or not I will be loved, and whether or not I will be recognized. And I will do so by working. Only through work I preserve my sanity in a world that understands me not.
"But my dreams they aren't this empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you" -- The Who/ Behind Blue Eyes
Unapologetically Me: Owning My Neurodiversity in a World of Masks
Of course, no one has any obligation to give me the truth I seek. I do not pretend to deserve such dependence to be accessible to me as long as I live. Freedom of expression also means the choice to say nothing or say little.
The regretful trio of women have rejected me, one after the other, without telling me exactly why... I had the privilege of asking one of them why they did so, but that is where the privilege ended, as all I was met with was silence. They might think I am too unimportant to be given their reasoning, despite all the years that I have known each of them.
Is my existence that terrible? Is my behavior that disturbing? Is this my social punishment for being authentic and having no filters? No. I'm not. But to succeed in life, I must build my mind with rejections.
To quote Frank Sinatra:
The best revenge is massive success.
Spitting Fire Instead of Begging for Ashes
I saw each and every one of them with great respect, for I have the loyalty of a dog. When I see a new follower or a new subscriber, I am filled with naïve love. I used to feel bad when someone unfollowed or unsubscribed, but as I learned, that's inevitable.
But these women, you see, were more than just internet followers. They were people I knew personally; people who were my friends. Two of them I have known since middle school. And yet, perhaps that duration of time is too short for them to respect me like I respected them, or even close to that degree, if at all.
I have the morality that can be compared to that of the Bushido Code.
If you're going to abandon someone you have known for a long time, at least give them a reason that will satisfy them! Abandoning without doing so is like a partial form of ghosting. Do you know of my pain behind my urge for revenge?
Being left in the dark is hurtful, and I will make them pay for not showing me the light by making myself a beacon for the world to recognize me and my contribution to it. People are easy to hurt without remorse. I want to do better than them.
If I'm left in ignorance, then at least I'll make something out of it: a motivator; an ambition; a utilized anger, a utilized scar. I will not demand that they give me the reasons I was eagerly seeking, because it is too late to do so, and their consent is beyond my control.
I choose to give up on people, including those who are dear to me. For they do not know of my pain, my suffering, to live by consent and not by desire. Neither do most of you. It requires a higher sense of sensitivity of human suffering. One that can easily prevent one from being truly evil. As such, very few people are pure of heart, to the point of not being tempted to evil, whether condemned, or normalized.
To remain sane, I will resume working. I will leave within me a chronic hole, never to be fully satisfied with anything and anyone. For that -- That is the only way I can get stronger, and unrelenting. For this ambition, I give up on true satisfaction. For satisfaction will deprave me of getting more and more strength. The strength I need to stay sane, functional, and contributing.
I'm done with seeking love as something that would liberate me from suffering. I'm done with seeking friendships for the sole point of mere social interaction like one's you'd see on sitcoms. Even if you are loyal as a dog, nothing ensures you won't be kicked in the gut by those whom you have considered friends.
And all you can do to survive all these heartbreaks, romantic or otherwise, is to be strong, and to give up on being weak.
