(2023 Note: Now that I compared myself to other autists, I've realized I have Asperger's Syndrome, which can be considered part of ASD, or the Autism Spectrum Disorders. I, however, am no longer sure if I am indeed an autist, even though I was diagnosed with both Asperger's and ASD. Please, take this article with a grain of salt, as I expect you to do, with any of my articles).
Even before my desire to grow more solitary, I've been, by large, very incompetent at social interactions. I see no reason to pretend otherwise. I was never truly liked by most people who are not family. Even my own, deceased grandfather, whose face I've forgot, called me once a "moron", something which led my mother to disconnect my connection with him as a child.
I don't know why I am a very unlikeable person, as I am not unlikeable by intent, regardless of the point in time of my life. I always strived to be approved and appreciated, only to come short by many whose appreciation I desired.
This is why, in my eyes at least, philosophizing is the only thing I am proud of. It's simply because that's my only redeeming quality, I believe. If it weren't for this, then I might've sunk into depression, or sadness at best.
Most of the people who were in my life are gone from said life. I can't tell what made them decide to vanish. Some did so while telling me, some just abandoned without a word.
I do not pretend to understand the social mechanism, because I am too disabled to do so, and of that I am aware. I already know, however, that there is no complete justice in this world, and thus, when I was more social, I couldn't always get what I want; just like nowadays.
A big part of philosophy is not only knowing things but also the ability to distinguish between what you know and what you don't know. As I was speaking to one of my readers for a few months, I have realized how much I am lacking in social intelligence, and it's not something I am proud of.
Still, this is also something I am not particularly ashamed of, because it's not my fault I was born with autism and got diagnosed with it in 2011.
Those who don't think I'm autistic, are free to read about the fact that autism is a spectrum, and not a specific disorder. That's why the official term for it, as of now, is "Autism Spectrum Disorder", which means that it is a specific disorder in a bigger bow of sorts.
My country's current Prime Minister has a daughter who is also autistic. However, unlike her, I am able to communicate both verbally and through writing. I am glad to at least not reach this deep in the autistic spectrum, because otherwise my life would've been different than it is now, and not necessarily for the better.
I used to want friends before in my life. However, that desire kind of declined when the one I deem my "nemesis", justified her abandonment by saying that she "doesn't want to hurt me". I never understood what that meant, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't going to hit me or anything.
Regardless, even then I understood that there's something wrong in how the world perceives me. There is a fault that I have that others know of, and I don't. And perhaps, because of that, I was largely left alone at the times I participated in public frames such as school, work and so on.
Thus far, no one has told me of that fault, and to be frank, I am quite disappointed by the world. Disappointed, because it seems that I am expected to know why myself, even though I can't, it's why it's called a disability and not something else.
There's a reason why I am eligible to receive welfare from my less-than-American-capitalistic government. After all, every autist in Israel can be qualified for this basic income, which frankly, is below minimum wage; but at least it keeps a roof under my head.
I just hate it when the world allegedly expects me to know things I can't know, and hate it, when the world tells me things, I told it, that I already know and understand. This chain of miscommunication, which was a central feature in my life, is, honestly, exhausting. It was all the more reason to largely abandon society and live partially as a hermit who rarely goes out his "hermitage".
As for the few friends I already have, all promised me to not "stab me in the back", and since I want to trust people, I let them stay in my life, without specifically knowing why they would want to be a friend of someone who is socially-incompetent like myself.
Regardless of my diagnosed autism, I see no reason to go and live in a hostel. I still believe I have the right to be free to a certain degree, and of course, I am not exactly a social creature.
I guess that, if I wasn't a philosopher, I would indeed be irrelevant, like she said... To make sure I am distant from that depressing possibility, I must contribute to the world. That is why I write publicly and not to myself -- to avoid depression that is resulted from lacking in contribution. That's my philosophy, and that's why I allow this site to be free for anyone who can access it.
After all, letting things stay free, is one of the greatest ways to make them effective in terms of exposure and contribution to others. I am lucky to live from welfare.
There are things I want to know better about my social incompetence, but I won't be surprised if never will. The only word I can put to this problem is "autism", for that is my official diagnosis. I do want to know, for certain, why that woman "didn't want to hurt me", and why I am "too irrelevant", but I guess the answer will be isolated from my reach, making these desires, not exactly beneficial.
I do not expect to be liked like a "normal" person would. I simply expect to be read by those who want to read my writings. I gave up, long ago, on the idea of popularity, simply because I'm autistic, and because the world isn't exactly a fair place.
This insight made me be calmer, and abandon the concept of jealousy, as something I should desire. There will "always" be someone better than I, just like there will "always" be people whose condition is worse than mine.
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