The Verdict of Being -- The Harshest of All Truths
Updated: 5 days ago
In my final conversation with my antagonist, Ms. Chen, who has really seemed to despise me, I asked her the following question: "I haven't done anything wrong, did I?"
She answered a very short, very mysterious answer: "You never have done anything wrong". And with this ironic statement, I was left alone by the world one more time. That's probably the last sentence I will ever hear from her.
And yet, despite me not doing anything wrong, she really despised me, or so it seemed. And it wasn't only her, over the years, who seemed to be repulsed by my existence. Sometimes it appears that, regardless of what you do and regardless of good intent, people will still be repulsed by your existence.
And there's nothing you can't do about it sometimes. She wasn't the only one who approached me with apparent methodology, for I received the same negative treatment online, and all because I exist in some way... Exist in some way that is despicable. Exist in some way that is repulsive. I don't know why my "being" communicates it to certain people.
I've been rejected by the world countless times, by different people. Thus, I don't really mind it anymore, as a reocurring option. Even before I was slightly-obese, and even a bit handsome, some people, including the far-past "Ms. Chen", did not like my existence. Even lately, when I experimented with an application known as "V. R. Chat", the same thing happened to me by strangers. Whether it was because of my nickname or because of my autism.
It is, therefore, no surprise that for some people, such as myself, the world is to be quite loathesome. Due to its unequal, unjust unfairness, dealt to certain people, who, as "Chen" put it out, didn't do anything wrong. It's quite ironic that people will be rejected even if they done nothing wrong. Even if their actions do not require atonement and redemption.
It's not just about the way you look. It's about the way you behave, the thoughts you share, the emotions you express, the opinions you hold, your understanding, and the timing of your responses. Each interaction with the world is like a component. Small parts of a grand test, of your character. The more your character appeals, the more it is desired. The more your character does not appeal, the more you will either be despised, seen as too weird, or completely left alone, as I have become myself.
It is ironic that, despite our progressiveness as a race, some old, despicable practices have remained. It's if we haven't progressed at all as humanity. Bullying, shaming, alienation, harassment. The despicable parts of human social behavior have yet to be corrected by our progressiveness, simply because it is normalized, to some of us, to reject, condemn and refuse to try to understand the other side, and so on.
My years-long experience with my now-vacant antagonist has taught me this -- that to be favored by others, isn't a choice you are able to make for anyone. It isn't some probability you can either increase or decrease. It all depends on an external perception, impression, and judgement. They are all beyond your control, no matter how you try, or how you dedicate your energies, efforts, and life, to it. It is a choice they make for themselves, conciously or otherwise.
If I wasn't born an autist, perhaps things would've been different. Perhaps people wouldn't think of me as stupid, perhaps I wouldn't have been bullied, offline or online; perhaps I would even have known true love by now. Perhaps I wouldn't be seen as repulsive, all because of the way my existence is interpreted by some people.
This realization first came to me when I was a kid watching certain TV shows. Some characters, who weren't necessarily evil or despicable, were condemned by the "gods", or these shows' writers. The characters were subjects of many unfortunate ordeals, all because they were judged like that, by said writers, and no further.
If you grew up in the 2000s like me, there was this show, "Drake and Josh", where the latter, who was a morally very good person, had a very insufferable life, while the former, who was morally ambiguous, if not evil at times, had a very fortunate life, on the other hand, all because of his good looks (which the latter did not possess).
Watching that show as a kid, I couldn't help but feel sorrow for Josh, who did nothing wrong to deserve the things he went through. It was then that I began to realize, that some people will experience certain treatments because of their default undesirabilities. It's not just in fiction, but in real life as well! Do you think bullying is justified? What about harassment of any kind? Suicide encouragements?
People, even if they have done nothing wrong, will find themselves suffering, due to their own way of existing, even if that way hasn't been chosen by them. Even if that way is natural and unchangeable.
Because of this insight, it'd be only natural for some people to either become misanthropes or even hermits. The world, which treats people in one way and other people in another way, regardless of justification, will raise different developments in these people. Developments that will shape the way they see this world. Some people seek to make this world more ideal; others let the natural, disgusting side of humanity, go through them, with little to no remorse whatsoever.
I haven't done anything wrong, as "Chen" said, but I have, and will, be treated negatively by people, strangers or not. All humans, are not created equal, and thus, they will not be treated equally. Complete equality in a society might as well be impossible, unless we're living in leaderless communes.
Beyond the halls of the court, there is no true justice, for the social aspect of ourselves, does not treat people with justice. The social aspect focuses more on whether or not we are desired. We don't owe anything to anyone, so we naturally don't owe the same equal treatment to every human being. It's just as "Chen" does not have to respect me, nor treat me warmly. I am aware of this now, and thus I detest her and, and the injustice embedded within human beings. I seek to overcome it. I seek to be more moral.
As I experienced the mistreatment of some people in "V. R. Chat", implicated me, I understood that, purity in humans is indeed something very, very uncommon. What do I mean by purity? I mean to be nice to everyone, to be universally polite, and to do no harm to anyone. That is who I always was, always will be. I find it hard to curse someone, or be hateful. My mentality is pretty much that of a kid who has yet to experience the horrors of the world, even though I already have. It follows a great ordeal of ignorance, by not truly understanding, why humans can be manipulative, evil, horrific, and detesting.
I know that they can be that, but I don't.. "feel" it, as if some emotion within me, wrong as it is, tells me that deep down, they are not. What a dumb, unrealistic emotion.
I am now aware of the natural, social injustice implicated in me by "Ms. Chen". I no longer have a reason to like this world, especially those, who are ungrateful for my work. The lack of obligation gives us the choice to be jerks.
In the absence of an obligation to do good and be good, there is only the outcomes of injustice: inequality, ungratefulness, hatred, and repulsiveness. All the while, suffering no consequences whatsoever, as a result. Assuming no law-breaking was involved, of course.
There shall be little to no retribution in this world for those who cause injustice, as long as this injustice is "legal", i.e., not something that was done illegally. You can try and kill your antagonists if you so desire, but by doing so, you risk your own life being imprisoned for life. Do something else, such as scar them physically, and some other punishment might follow, depending on your country.
There are no superheroes who seek to beat the living hell out of bullies and other villains. Now, that the right to expression is abused in the name of the darker sides of our nature, the only solution to true serenity, so it seems, is solitude and hermitage. By disconnecting from humans, there will be no antagonism, created by this world, and implemented or scarred on your being, simply because you have no sufficient connections for something like that to occur. Something like serenity.
Do you now understand why I seek solitude, even at the risk of my health being decreased by a lack of love? If things were different, if I were different, things would end up otherwise.
It wasn't about "doing anything wrongly"; it was about "being wrongly." (2023 Note): ...... I still resume philosophizing because I care less for serenity. Contribution may require sacrifice of peacefulness.