I Will Never Allow Myself To Become Like Her! (Morality Article)
Updated: Feb 12
"If we won't show mercy to the merciless, than how exactly are we morally superior to them?" -- John Duran
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Fading Embers
I've been losing my emotions even more, like territories lost at war. Excitement, wonder, curiosity, joy, hope, and others - all have retreated, leaving me in a barren landscape of loneliness, like the one I traveled in, in my childhood. It's been a long while since I felt their touch. I don't know if I'll ever be able to reclaim them. I think that the only way I could reclaim them is by dispelling human darkness. And that is exactly what I plan to do with Philosocom. That is how I will redeem myself.
I'm not the person I used to be, not even close. Even my physical appearance has changed. I seem stronger, more rugged, despite barely ever exercising. People even ask if I've been hitting the gym, which is funny considering I am mainly working on this site, and resting from it.
Empathy.... cognitive and compassionate... are the only threads hanging me to this world who have foresaken my distress in the name of hedonism. Should it ever snap, the monster within me will surely be unleashed, leaving me forever broken, like Darth Vader: A being who lost all hope for the good of others, stuck in his own repressed emotional pain.
Scars of Casual Cruelty
Sometimes, it's the most ordinary people who inflict the deepest wounds. They hide behind the shields of "just a joke, mate" and "you need to move on". As such, they're absolving themselves of responsibility for the emotional damage they leave in their wake, while the norms enable the uffer they inflict. But can we truly absolve ourselves of the impact our actions have on others, simply because their mental state isn't entirely within our control? Is that a moral escape hatch, or a convenient delusion?
Under moralist philosophies, it isn't necessarily karma or dharma that will come back at you. No. It is, rather, several possibilities:
A downhill that could lead to misfortune such as suicide.
The turn of the mentally wounded to maliciousness, as with the example shown in "Breaking Bad" with Heisenberg.
The attempt of the emotionally wounded to redeem themselves, thus becoming morally better than you.
When you prefer your own joy over the impact you have on others, you could lead to either 4 of these happening. Hence why hedonism can be dangerous... the very person you undermined in the name of your personal pleasure can become either of the 4.
And those who choose number 4 might as well be rare as number 4 requires both a sense of justice, compassion and hope. Not everyone have those, because not everyone chooses life (thus leading to number 2), not everyone understands the consenquences of their actions (number 1), and not everyone is able to see people as more than objects to be used for your own benefit (thus leading to number 3).
I choose number 4. I choose to escape the abyss of Escapism. For I wish to confront my inner demons, and emerge victorious. It is an "abyss" because escaping from our inner demons is vain. We can't escape from ourselves competently. The pain we carry with us will only wither once its solved.
And I want you to learn from me.
The Rise of Chen
I have no love for her, for Chen. Never had for years. I look deep in her image's eyes, and philosophize in my mind. What's in there, in the smiling abyss? Are those the eyes of a psychopath? Not necessarily, but liberty breeds anti-social behavior either way.
And either way, she abused my emotions, and caused me trauma, with no remorse beyond politeness. Her sight, a while back, used to make me puke. I was fine in health. It was a post-traumatic response, and lasted for a few years. I loved her but she did not participate in my pain. And loneliness can be solved, not when we are with others, but when we understand their pain and carry them with us. That is the path of the compassionate person.
Out of all the people I had in my life, back then, only one really cared for my distress. I didn't fell victim to the para-social fallacy. I knew I was alone, even in physical company.
Now I look at her, and think only one thing: I will never allow myself to become the monster she was. The norms care not for this, and as such they allow emotional abuse, and condemn of honesty in the name of cowardice. We can't love other human beings if we are too afraid of agony, and prefer having fun instead. As such we need to prepare to suffer in the name of love.
And I refuse agreeing to the shame of still, somehow, having faith in humanity, despite the things I went through with her and in general. I refuse enabling the poor moral conduct of normalcy, which disregards the agony of the individual. Disregarding the pain of another, can lead them to a path of great evil, break them apart, and even make them feel compel to kill themselves. I refuse to be like them. I refuse to be, like her.
I refuse becoming the man I might become. Negative. The monster I might become. The remorseless monster that might've been her, as well. Within my meditations I was exposed to the shadows of myself. I know what I am repressing. And to keep repressing it I will seek to bring good to the world, even if it comes at my own expanse! I refuse letting abandoning those who I care about at their time of need. No. I will listen to their distress, and I will never, ever, ghost them, unless I have no other choice.
Chen's eyes... they do not appear honest. They look like a pool of darkness, hidden by a visage of a smile that succeeds appearing normal. In fact, the smile doesn't even come to the eyes. The expression... it looks hollow. It looks shallow, ingeuine. Was she... using me? Did she discard me at my time of need, because she cared not for my suffering? We discard people... too much than we should.
If so, I am irrelevant, only because... I was of no further use for her. She underestimated my importance, and carried on with their life, without further care. Her charm was flat. It always was. And so were her emotions. I was no more than someone to speak to sometimes, for her. Always was. Anything else of me never really mattered to her.
Should I treat people like she treated me? No. She was morally weak. Even if she was a good person. She failed to apply her morals, causing me suffering, by deeming me unimportant.
But... everyone can be useful. Everyone has the potential to help. To be of use. To contribute. We need to be less cowardly. To overcome our insecurities, and endure hardship despite of discomfort. That is the moral thing to do. And I refuse being morally weak, when moral strength can bring so much good to this world, and help people with their problems.
We need to believe in ourselves more. And we need to believe in others more, as well. That... that is the path to light. To greater humanity.
....
Choosing Humanity Over Darkness
I stand before you as a survivor forged in the crucible of abuse and trauma, which is natural in this reality. Chen might've broken me into a man who chose celibacy for 8 years, deeming myself a monk, but I now declare with unwavering conviction: I will live and embrace the pain, necessary to be a moral human being. I have no desire to escape reality anymore, and I even plan to give my video game consoles as a gift. Why? Because video games are forms of escapism, of being someone you are not. And I want to be myself, in the real world, not in a fictional, virtual world where my consenquences have no actions.
In 2014 Chen said to me that expressing emotions is a mistake. No, emotions deserve to exist, to bloom in all their messy, beautiful complexity. For emotions are the very essence of our humanity, and their expression allows us the privilage of true love: To be loved for the entirety of who we are!
To deny them, to strive for a sterile, emotionless existence, is to court a chilling truth that can become: a being devoid of emotion is a being capable of unspeakable evil, should he or she lack cognitive empathy. It is a possible I refuse to embrace, even when it whispers promises of far greater power. No end justifies the means that dehumanizes others, that reduces them to mere tools.
We must be soft, in a sense, in order to love... In order to not be lonely at the top.
"Hate... Become emotionless... Trust no one. Emotions only get in the way of ruling this city"
Every human being deserves the right to express their emotions, to laugh and cry, to love and grieve... without fear or shame. Why should a confession of love, an act of vulnerability, be deemed a mistake? No... we need to be ourselves. We should allow ourselves... to be human.
From Victim to Victor
Chen will pay, not through vengeance, but through my triumph over the monster she nurtured within me. The monster that threatened to bloom should I succumb to the darkness, should I deny empathy, remorse, guilt, atonement - and above all, love. Love for myself, and love for others. For without these very emotions, the cornerstone of morality crumbles, leaving only cold logic as the final fortress, to protect a man from becoming a cruel tyrant!
Humans are not tools to be measured by their usefulness, nor are they faulty for expressing their emotions. We are flawed, yes. All of, in our own way. But we shouldn't be condemned for being flawed. We should be loved for being flawed. For to be flawed is to be human. And in order to not become nor breed dehumanized dictators, capable of inflicting agony of millions, we must embrace and love our humanity.
Our capacity for compassion and understanding is one that can not only save people from mental illness, but also from suicide. That is the strength that can make so much good in this world. The strength to be there for another, and partake in their suffering as if it was your own. The norms, which care not for the death of those who are not known or relevant enough, should be condemned as such. Caring shouldn't be a privilage reserved for celebrities!
Join me in rejecting the monsters within and without, in choosing empathy over apathy, and in embracing our flaws! For it is in these emotions that we find the very essence of what makes us human. Not as just biological beings, homosapiens, but beings capable of morality insects and germs cannot (arguably).
I will not let her win. Never.
I will not be evil as a drug baron that fuel wars. I will stay an article baron that fuels thought.
I am a gentleman. A moral being.
The fact that others abused me, does not mean I should do the same.
Learn from me.
