I Will Never Allow Myself To Become Like Her! (Morality Article)
Updated: May 26
I've been losing my emotions even more, like territories lost at war. Excitement, wonder, curioisity, joy, hope, and others, doubedtly. All gone for a long while. I do not know if I will be able to reclaim these emotions. As for love, I am still trying to check.
I am not the person I used to be most of my life. I even began looking physically stronger, even though I don't exercise often at all. I was even asked if I've been lifting weights, even though, with my fatigue, that is far beyond my abilities.
As long as I have empathy, which I do, I am supposed to be fine. Should I lose it forever, the inner monster will finally manifest, and I might not even be able to regret it, then.
Sometimes, it is the most normal of people, who cause the most suffering to others. It's fine because, "It's just a joke, mate". It's fine because "You need to move on" and so on. It make sense because we are not morally responsible for the actions we cause to others, because their mental state isn't necessarily their responsibility, now, is it?
I have no love for her, for Chen. Never had for years. I look deep in her image's eyes, and philosophize in my mind. What's in there, in the smiling abyss? Are those the eyes of a psychopath?
Either way, she abused my emotions, and caused me trauma, with no remorse beyond politeness. Her sight, a while back, used to make me puke. I was fine in health. It was a post-traumatic response, and lasted for a few years.
Out of all the people I had in my life, then, only one really cared for my distress. They were far from her.
Now I look at her, and think only one thing: I will never allow myself to become the monster she was. The emotional abuser, the condemer of honesty. The punisher of my genuine compliments. And worst of all, the social boycotter. My quest for world relevance is not only for revenge. It is also to escape the man I might become. Negative. The monster I might become. The remorseless monster that might've been her, as well.
Her eyes. They do not appear honest. They look like a pool of darkness, hidden by a visage of a smile that succeeds appearing normal.
In fact, the smile doesn't even come to the eyes. The expression... it looks hollow. It looks shallow, ingeuine. Was she... using me?
If so, I am irrelevant, only because... I was of no further use for her. Undermined my importance, and carried on with their life, without further care. Her charm was flat. It always was. And so were her emotions. I was no more than someone to speak to sometimes, for her. Always was. Anything else of me never really mattered to her.
I will never be the monster she is/was. You all have my word on it. I will choose good, and not call anyone irrelevant, and will not claim that their expression of their emotions was a mistake. Not on Valentine's Day, like she used to do. Not in any day. Emotions deserve to exist. Far more than what some of you, readers, might think.
Why? Because a being pure from emotion, is one that is capable of great evil and harm to this world.
I will deny evil, even if evil suits my interests. The end does not justify just about any mean. People do not deserve to be treated as means.
People are allowed to express their emotions and there should not be a mistake in that, especially if no harm is made. Why would the mere confession of love, cause actual harm? People should not be deemed irrelevant when they are still worthy beings. Are not we all, worthy beings?
She will pay by my victory over the inner monster. The monster groomed by her. The monster, I may become, should I deny empathy. Deny remorse. Deny guilt and atonement. Deny... love. To both myself, and to others.
And without any of these emotions, morality cannot exist. It cannot exist without said emotions, because humans are not tools, measured by their relevance. They are not faulty, for expressing their emotions. No. Humans are flawed beings, including myself. And that's okay. No one should be abused so harshly by that fact alone, which we all share. No one deserve the post-trauma I endured for many years.
I will not let her win. Never.
I am a gentleman. A moral being.
The fact that others abused me, does not mean I should do the same.
Learn from me.