Life as an Exhausted Man

(September 2023 note: I am no longer handicapped. I explained why in this article).

(Philosocom's Subcategory On Fatigue and Exhaustion)

(Note: This is a special piece that will not be renovated to be kept in the present day, and will not be updated in information, in order to preserve some of the past. Past I can reflect on. I am not keen on forgetting the past. The past can help us forge a better future. More on my philosophy on the past has been written).

Generally speaking, I am not a jealous individual, even though I am well aware there are people who are more "privileged" than me simply because they don't have certain disabilities that stand in their way; disabilities that I have.

I don't like to whine either, but that doesn't prevent me from feeling the need to share my story with those who can benefit from it, whether or not they have the things I have.

Having autism is not that difficult when you don't interact with a lot of people or with people who are aggressive by nature; having an anxiety disorder is fine as long as the triggers are not present, and the environment is overall safe to live in.

However, if there is something that penetrates my solitude, it is my exhaustion syndrome. I don't know for sure what caused it, but what I do know, is that it paralyzed me from doing a lot of things I could've otherwise done in my relative solitude -- mainly read extensively, exercise regularly, and so on.

These are things I want to do, but this syndrome makes these activities extremely difficult to do, regardless of how much willpower I have.

For comparison, it's like a magnet that rejects you instead of attracting you. You want to stick to the magnet, but it only pushes you away like the stream of a waterfall while you're trying to climb it.

Ironically, this syndrome prevents me from sleeping, as its intensity is too distracting for me to be able to fall asleep. Therefore, I must be careful when allocating the limited mental energies I have.

If it means skipping over things I would've otherwise done, then so be it, as there are more days to be lived where I can perform these actions. Even without that syndrome, Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say.

I am not your typical philosopher who constantly talks about other philosophers in the history of our species. I took a few courses on philosophy both at university and online, but overall, I find it significantly easier, energy-wise, to be a contemplator than a scholar of philosophership.

Contemplating comes easier as there is no mental overload, and should I ever return to the academic life, I might, by accident, make my syndrome more severe than it already is.

Being your own philosopher in general feels freer than associating oneself with one school of thought or another.

Because of that, I don't see the energy-wise reason to invest in other philosophers (even though I partially did) when I can contribute to the world with my own philosophy.

If we are talking about being occupied, remember that with this syndrome I can't technically work in most jobs, menial as intellectual. I'd need many breaks and I might not be up to schedule, not because I'm lazy, but because the intense feeling of exhaustion is too powerful to persist against it.

As it is said in the Taoist teachings -- Wu-Wei -- have an effortless effort. That is my ideal endeavour as a generally exhausted man -- to be able to perform as many activities as possible with wasting as little energies as possible.

Regardless, we must be realistic if we wish to be reasonable -- accept what is within our control and beyond it, like Epictetus said.

There is little I can do against this general exhaustion other than have a lot of periods of rejuvenation. You can claim that I could've earned a living as a writer in some big company, but I cannot force myself to write when I am too exhausted.

In the past I tried working as a freelance writer for a few months; was too exhausted to finish the job I was given.

If there is something I am afraid of doing outside my apartment, is to show my disability ID in a supermarket, should I be too exhausted to stand in line.

People cannot understand at first sight, and I can't blame them for being ignorant about the unseen disabilities. Fortunately, I have someone to do the purchasing for me.

In short, I am well aware that I could've been something greater, philosopher-wise. I could've had a few diplomas, maybe even a PhD, be able to endure long discussions with other philosophers and get known enough like Jordan Peterson or Slavoj Zizek.

However, I need to allocate my energies wisely in order to live both productively and happily.

It's not always easy but I'm coping. I am still content with the fact that I managed to nonetheless be greatly industrious despite me being in my 20s.

As written elsewhere, beyond writing articles such as this, I have little reason to live, even though I am not suffering or anything.

I don't like some of the philosophical communities today, at least from what I got to experience myself. They are not tolerant enough towards the disabled. They can be hostile, insensitive and so on, if you don't appeal to them enough.

It doesn't feel safe being a philosopher when you have your comments section turned on, on public websites, because the truth is that many people do not care for your sensitivities, your disabilities and so on.

The online culture had appeared to dehumanize, at times, the human discussion. This too exhausts me and this is why I don't prefer philosophical discussions; that is unless it's with someone I trust that is tolerating enough and won't see my exhaustion as an "excuse" to fall back.

Thus, as a writer with exhaustion, you must do the following if you wish to live in peace -- reject those who are angry at you for not writing whatever they want you to write, and not underappreciate the portion of the audience who is grateful for your work for them.

Even writing this is a bit exhausting, but at least the level of satisfaction is greater.

Philosophizing should be done with love for the craft, not hatred for those who think differently than you.

It appears that even in this decade, some people are still angry about being exposed to content they dislike, as if the media should be dictated according to their version of how things should be.

Whether you're an exhausted person or not, remember this -- your mental resources are not infinite; even if recharged, they can dwindle with time, whether it's when you're old or whether it will strike you without a moment's notice, as it did to me.

As I thought to myself as well -- I wish Philosoocom to be a harmonious, peaceful place, with no unnecessarily draining toxicity. Grab yourself a cup of coffee, and enjoy my content as much as you'd like, for I intend to keep this site going long after my death.

What I mostly want people to understand from this article, is that even when someone is disabled, there can, in theory, be a solution or outlet, even if it is not ideal like it could've been if things were different. I will continue writing with determination.