Here are some of my contemplations during a set of a few days where I was inspired by one of my readers, a numerologist, to try and take a vow of silence from my followers, to see if something significant would come. Here are the results. I expected to write more, but failed doing so.
The Only Part: Saturday
Dear Mr. ??, now's the time to make a document of my own.
A few days ago, before actually discussing about Shat from the bible, I actually seen that name as an acronym in a Netflix animated series for adults. I don't remember what that it stood for, but it was a squad of the cast's main characters. Anyways, it seems that I've received a "sign" before actually talking to you about my dream.
Currently it is Saturday, late morning. I've being listening to a track I really like from a very old video game. The track is called "Metallic Madness Bad Future (JP version)". The game itself is simple to explain A time traveling game where your actions can lead to different timelines, either good or bad, from either the past or future.
"Metallic Madness" is the final level of that game, meaning that even if you'll finish the game, you will still have a bad ending. Interesting enough, this song has lyrics, sang by an unknown entity:
"You can't do anything, so don't even try,
Get some help.
Don't do what Sonic (AKA the player) does,
Sonic, dead or alive,
Is mine."
It is still unclear who was the entity singing those lyrics in the game's context. I actually find myself quite contemplative when listening to this song. It makes me feel melancholic, knowing that my future might as well be sealed by welfare and by my chronic fatigue.
A few days ago, I contacted one of my former teachers, told them I have this syndrome in my brain which makes me constantly tired and unable to work nor read extensively. She gave me her speedy recovery (a sentence difficult to translate to English).
When I told her it might as well be incurable, I think she got into a bit of a surprise, because she thought it was temporary. She replied with something like, "Oh no, how horrible."
And this is one of the things that make me listen to this song, to the Bad Future song, because I can't do anything to cure this fatigue, so there's no point in trying, and all I can do is seek external help.
I kind of miss the future, the timeline, when I've dreamed of being greater intellectually; the future that I then believed I deserved. I had mostly everything it took to become a philosophy professor like my former master, a philosophy professor himself. I had the money, I had the intellect, the ability to read and the determination to succeed.
When I am reminded of Chen, and her words to me, I recall that alternative timeline; the timeline that never came to be, and that will never happen to me as long as I have this cursed fatigue in the brain.
I do wonder, when listening to this song, what is exactly the help I should be looking for, more than that which I already got helped with. Do I need your help? ???'s? ???'s? Yes, Mr. ??, it appears that I've gathered quite the following to my legacy's brand. I know I have regular visitors to the site, both through testimonials and my enclosed analytics.
As a child, I had a lot of power fantasies, and in an online game I played, I even managed a militia like a military dictator would. Perhaps if I were more mature, my Storm Alpha Squad would've ended better than it had; more democratically, far less authoritarian.
I was but a kid in elementary school, and at my militia's peak, we had around 50 members and two lieutenants under my command, all were real people.
We had a small city, owned by one of the lieutenants, a guy from Ohio. It was called "SAS Base" and was later changed to "A Start of Greatness" for unknown reasons. To this day, whenever I'm called a "sir", it fills me with nostalgia.
If it is of any relevance to you, my character's name was randomly named Westcat by that online game. It was shut down in 2011.
I was also… ****** there. In the game, I mean. A guy came to me and took off his armour and pretended he… yeah. Probably thought it was funny, the idiot. I just stood there and didn't know what to say. Fortunately, it was impossible to take off one's underwear there. Maybe he had some influence on my mentality, I don't know, I was a child.
It seems that my conditions in life were inevitable, all because I was born. My genetics, my Judaism, my autism, and the gloomiest of them all – my permanent fatigue. All in their own way made me an outcast, a recluse and a minority in this world. Perhaps, if my hand was dealt differently, Chen… would've been mine.
She told me once, "I decided to keep my distance because we seem to come from different worlds, I don't want to offend you". I never had an actual idea as to what she meant. Perhaps, my conditions took me away from the girl I believed is the most like me at that point of time.
She resembled myself; the height, the hair and so on; Our good times were honestly good. I'm even surprised she got me back as a friend for a short period of time.
Her PAYMENT of the knowledge of my potential relevancy, will be for me a symbolic victory. A victory, over the tyranny of circumstance; Over, the very thing, that might have taken me away from her: GRAND DESIGN!
If such thing even exists to begin with! An existence above this one… I have yet to be enlightened by such a metaphysical plane. I mostly play along with you so I could try and better understand the world.
To be an equal! To be deserving! To not be treated like dirt by those you once loved! "World Relevance", Mr. ??, shall be my salvation, for I am too, am deserving to be treated like a common human being, even if I'm at a disadvantage, in the race we call life.
For three years since the end of our first friendship, she ignored me at school! Ignored me, as if I don't exist at all; a one-woman boycott! I threw up several times when seeing her as a coping mechanism! I wanted to be a celibate, voluntarily!
I wanted to show her that there's no hope for me! Many tears and moments of sadness happened during these years, because I really wanted her back as my friend, and for some reason, I am apparently an "alien"! an "alien", from "another world"! I don't even remember her voice to this day! This severe was my "alien" nature, so it seems, so it seems!
And that other girl, Steph, decided to just abandon me for no apparent reason. I asked for a reason and was treated with the silent treatment.
Have no idea what I did wrong, and yet, here are some people, who've treated me, as if I was but a mere alien; an outsider, from the general society; put back to where I apparently belong – to the solitude of my mechanical screens, where I merely observe, and not speak my mind.
I'm not an alien! I'm not from another world! I am not divine! I am not otherworldly! The fact that most of us are social creatures and operate according to a set of norms I am unaware of, frustrates me.
Should I ever be as relevant as far more relevant people than I, then it will be then, when they will all pay for their mistreatment of a disabled person. They can leave me if they want, but certain treatments throughout life… some, one will consider as forms of abuse, I'm not sure.
