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Universal Lonerhood - Why We All May Be Loners (And How To Deal With It)

Updated: May 10


An old man.


We are all loners because we are all alone to an extent. Allow me to explain.


Loners are beings who are continuously alone, distinct from togetherness. When you are alone, you are separated from other beings. Lonerhood, like togetherness, exists on a spectrum. You might realize it when, for example, you are with someone who fails to understand you. Then, you are both with them, but the lack of clear understanding creates this "barrier" between you and them.


When it occurs continously, it creates this uncanny state of being where you are never understood properly, and thus, your inner being is never seen entirely, beyond the appearance of you and your behavior.



Understanding is essentially a form of abstract vision, where the information you receive from others is converted into knowledge. It is often a lengthy process that may or may not be hindered by denial, hasty conclusions and judgementally-dismissive attitude.


The intelligent as such are lonelier due to the fact that it takes more effort to understand them. You may claim that spending time with someone is how you don't make them lonely, but that's simply not true. It is not enough because to reduce their loneliness you must understand them more, so their inner being, the one beyond your impressions and assumptions of them, becomes visible enough to avoid deluding yourself about them.


Simpler people are easier to understand and thus it does not take much effort to relieve them of their loneliness. Thus, at least by this reasoning, simpler people are the least likely to be lonely.


Within our inner loneliness, we might eventually realize that those who are dear to us are not really interested in learning us properly so we won't be as lonely. They may have the following problems in their thinking:


  • They may claim that they've known us for most of our lives (or all of it). Therefore, they're preventing themselves the underrated value of self-doubt, necessary for further learning.


  • They don't necessarily have any interest to learn about us more in general. They might be too tired, too busy and so on. Their hearts are not necessarily open enough to contain us in our entirely. "Heart", or emotion, is not only an ability, but also a capacity. As such we can't expect much from the heartless when it comes to greater understanding of our deeper parts.

  • Out of their on inner void and/or intimidation, surpressed or otherwise, they may call us narcissists, people who are too full of themselves, etc. Their inner voids may prevent them to be alruistic towards us, thus indicating of their own lack of a strong, inner core. It is usually such people who feel the need to be validated the most. It is also hard for such people to understand us and be there for us when they are too vulnerable to do so.


We can learn from this that it isn't even realistic to be expected to be well understood by some people. This presents us the opportunity to grow strong alone instead of depending on them. As such this shall allow us to further practice the art of being alone, and learn how to live and prosper despite the harsh, cold loneliness within us.


Either way, we are always separated from each other. Even if we were put in a very small room, we would still be each on our own, because our individuality logically makes us separated from each other. The fact that my consciousness is not your consciousness leads to the conclusion that we are alone, i.e., separated, from each other.


Even people who happen to share the same body, but have different heads, are still their own individuals by this principle of seperate consciousness. That includes different personalities and interests. However, a very rare case of conjoined twins, who have thalamic bridge, allows them to indeed share the same mind. It's believed they can "mentally travel" to each others minds and share the same experiences as if they are in their own special mental world.


Such a phenomena might be the only case which would ultimately relieve us of our loneliness. Perhaps, at the cost of our mental privacy, which might be the final frontier of our privacy in general, but I digress.


Take this analogy to further understand the individuality of existence: The desert does not exist. It is only a collective imagery of grains of sand, which are separated from each other. The fact that they are separated from each other proves that they are alone even if they are to be categorized as a "desert." The same applies to human collectives. Even if we constantly interact and socialize with each other, we still remain detached from one another in some way.

And the only realistic way to bridge this existential detachment is by a clearer understanding of others. But if they are to fail to understand that understanding is a complex, lengthy proces that could even be trained and improved, we will likely to remain detached.


We will remain detached, but at the very least we can improve our understanding of ourselves, so we won't be as lonely as beings who are not understood by anyone, themselves included.



There is no actual entity called "society" in the World Beyond The Mind, like there is no desert. It is merely an association of individual components, as large as they may be. Society gets more unified as one not only through enforcement of law but also through a shared understanding of reality. However, it does not mean at all that this understanding is even correct in the slightest, just because of the function it serves.


The World Beyond The Mind is a world composed of individual atoms, connected with each other only through interaction, but not through being. Communication, too, is partial illusion, embodied only through sensory symbolism we were taught throughout our lives, as our graduation to the collective Mental Dimension through socialization.


Imagine the world as existent independent of our minds. Then, you may realize that the words you're reading have no objective meaning. You were simply taught that they have, so you would understand them. Of course, the study of language compels you to know the specific meanings that are collectively assigned to these words. But in reality they are just assinged, not an inherit part of them.


What allows us to bridge between us and others, like words and their meaning, is our understanding of them. Only when the understanding is aligned, we could far better settle our differences, improve our harmony, and decrease the overall loneliness epidemic happening globally.


The fact that we are constantly in communication with each other does not make us into a single, individual being. By the clarity of communication, which can be improved, we merely prevent ourselves, either partially or largely, the inevitable trait of loneliness into our lives.


Ever wondered why even in relationships we may be lonely? It has many reasons, from unrealistic expectations to distractions such as social media. So, even in the most intimate of relations we could feel lonely, and not, well, intimate.


It is inevitable to come to the conclusion that we are all alone due to our distinction, physical separation, and individuality. Togetherness does not exist in the World Beyond The Mind, but rather in our shared perception, which is used to bridge us to one another to an extent.


In fact, a network of people is never quite a physical one, but rather one that is mental and metaphorical. Even the term, "Chain of Command", has this same logic applied. There is no actual chain. It is a metaphorical one, but functional and imperative nonetheless.


Where objects are built and collapsed, the atoms remain. The same goes for us individuals and the collectives we form in the Mental Dimension. We may pass through many teams, organizations and communities in life. The idea of a collective union, from a company to a relationship, to last, requires much struggle for it. It requires much struggle to preserve it because reality is by nature dynamic and quite unexpected.


When any collective collapses, we need to make sure our mentality does not go down along with it. And for that we need to be strong alone for nothing really lasts forever. In that regard, we are pretty much stuck in our own "mental prisons." We better make ourselves comfortable, if we want to better ensure our strength as individuals.

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Tomasio A. Rubinshtein, Philosocom's Founder & Writer

I am a philosopher from Israel, author of several books in 2 languages, and Quora's Top Writer of the year 2018. I'm also a semi-hermit who has decided to dedicate his life to writing and sharing my articles across the globe. Several podcasts on me, as well as a radio interview, have been made since my career as a writer. More information about me can be found here.

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