(2023 Note: Now that I compared myself to other autists, I've realized I have Asperger's Syndrome, which can be considered part of ASD, or the Autism Spectrum Disorders. I, however, am no longer sure if I am indeed an autist, even though I was diagnosed. Please, take this article with a grain of salt, as I expect you to do, with any of my articles).
All those who didn't know me or at the time did not see me as a philosopher, treated me as if I were a mere child due to my Asperger's. That is regardless of the age I was in. Socially inept people are treated differently.
From professionals like psychologists and psychiatrists to family members, all in one way or another saw me as a mere youth, even when I entered the third decade of my life.
Whether it is my mother, or a distant family who didn't understand at the time the true meaning of my condition, in the end, I was treated like either a child or a "manchild."
My attempt to philosophize and leave a legacy to the world is one of the ways I try to tell the world that I am more than a disabled man-child who has poor social understanding, and who is very emotionally reactive.
My nemesis' engagement made me sad, not because I love her, but because it reminded me that I am an adult who is treated like a child by anyone who does not recognize or know the role, I have assigned myself in life.
Perhaps it is one of the reasons why I decided to become a partial hermit and partially abstain from this world.
Perhaps, in the end, my attempts at philosophizing are partially an attempt to escape my so-called "social status." Of course, it is not the only reason, but merely one of them.
Nonetheless, I, in one way or another, have always been seen as an outsider by this world. Even during the short period of my life where I had friends, I was still conflicted with the environment due to the fact that I was too different back then.
This is why I think that, in a sense, I don't need or deserve to be loved, as that would entail being seen as an outcast once more; an outcast who is dysfunctional, annoying, disturbing, and so on, even though I don't mean to be like that at all.
Philosophizing gave me hope that I would be seen as more than a mere child, even though there were still people who were in conflict with me due to my words.
Some people thought I was a narcissist; others thought I was condescending, while in practice, all I want in life is to contribute in the way I know best, so I would have a reason not to give in.
Not to give in to the words of others that run in my mind and haunt my mentality; not to give in to the words of rejectors; not to give in to the fact that I cannot work normally, nor get a degree.
In the end, I philosophize so I won't give in to the temptation to kill myself, because I had enough of being treated like trash due to my poorly understood disability.
My desire to extract revenge on my "nemesis" is merely my way of saying to the world, "I am not a man-child, even if it appears that I am. I deserve equal treatment; I deserve to contribute too and not keep things to myself, unlike what others have said".
Autism cannot be cured. There is no escape from it for those who were born with it. Therefore, I am met with two options: to kill myself, or to live alongside it, as if I were a truly normal human being.
With my words, I will show to any of those who considered me less than functional, that they were wrong about me, and Ms. Chen is but a personification of all these people, distant or close, known to me or nameless.
This world is devoid of meaning if you don't have a purpose in life. You can work in the same job for years, have a decent lifestyle, have love and family,... In the end, without a higher sense of purpose, your life might be very, very miserable. And Optimistic Nihilism is not something I, at least, am willing to agree with, when I can still work and contribute in my own eccentric ways.
That is the appeal of religion or any other community-based concept -- to give one or more collective-based purpose. However, when you are deemed an outcast by society, you must dig into your own meaning if you desire to avoid a suicidal temptation.
I believe that this was the meaning of the "Overman" by Nietzsche -- the one who goes his own way. However, what he failed to realize was that some people are confined to that possibility and do not merely choose it because they want to.
I too eventually decided to accept the fact that I am, by nature, a societal outcast. Thus, the only way other than sinking down, was to go up; Up beyond good and evil, beyond what is normal and what is abnormal.
To transcend the necessity to depend on oneself for norms, morality, and reception. Perhaps this is why I was seen, in a way, as a man child by some; as a being who didn't care if he would be seen as strange or condemned.
You know why? Because even when I tried to be normal, I was always confined to my little corner of the world, which I called home for the vast majority of my life. And if not to a physical place, then to isolation.
I hope that, if you happen to be autistic too, or if you happen to be outcasted by the world, that you won't kill yourself because of it.
There is another way -- the way of retribution; the way of showing others that they were wrong about you. And that is possible by being successful at what you do. Hence why I strive to success, rather than happiness.
This is why, as long as I am alive, I will attempt to be deem worthy enough, to be seen like a normal human being, and by those who appreciate me, as more. Even if I'm not normal: Earn my place in society. Equality for the outlandish.
More appreciated, not because I am thirsty for attention, but because philosophy is an occupation of its own, regardless of how the philosophership is aquired.
This is why philosophy gave me the hope to live another day. I am glad Ms. Chen is engaged, as it reminded me of my adulthood. Reminded me of what I am capable of, myself.
