On Quarantine and Why I Isolate Myself by Choice
Updated: 3 days ago
Those who are as sensitive as I have no place in this loud, impulsive world. The internet became a salvation to my kind of people, because here the user can permanently block people away from one's virtual presence. I wager that, if it weren't for computers, I will be less hesitant to end it all, simply because one cannot filter their physical environment as much as the virtual one.
Filter the hatred, the uncomfortable noise, the harassments and the presence of toxic people. In the physical world, that is only possible when you either move to another place to live in, change your job, or both. The virtual presence thus gives us an underrated freedom -- the freedom to filter and to isolate.
It isn't an act of cowardice, necessarily, to physically quarantine oneself from this world. It could also come from the intention, to stop the seemingly infinite loops of conflicts with other people. Conflict with friends, conflicts with family and neighbours.
The thing that never ceases to abuse me is the fact that many choose to give in to internet trolls by feeding them with their anger, when they have the choice to block them and save their energy over something worthier of their time. It should not be seen as fearfulness, to want serenity from this stressful world, when such an option is indeed possible.
During the COVID19 lockdown, it was forced upon by many people to isolate themselves from the world. It was a difficult verdict to many, not only because of the financial damage that such a policy caused, but also because many people are not as used to being alone so much in their homes, even though they can communicate with others virtually.
For me, however, it didn't change much, because most of my life I have quarantined myself from this world. Sometimes, it was involuntary, because I wanted to be loved by someone other than family and pets. But, as I grew up, I've realized that quarantine is the only realistically positive choice for me to follow, and that is all because I have sensitivities that I never chose nor ever wanted.
I sometimes wish life were different, or more specifically, that I wouldn't be as sensitive as I always was. Realizing that there is no escape from this, I succumbed to solitude, to self-quarantine. I guess I don't really care much, if I won't get to be loved or kissed.
If I won't get to visit a bar at least once in my life; to travel abroad once more. I've accepted the fact that my wellbeing is more important than any of these, even if it means cutting ties with people, I hold dear who aren't good for me.
I enjoy the silence of solitude; the fact that I can be with headphones all day and choose whatever music I like, without disturbing anyone in the process. I can't work, even though I tried and went to interviews; it's too stressful and exhausting.
Regardless of this freedom in physical solitude, I continue to be stressed, and I have no idea why. The neck, the shoulders and the back -- they keep remaining tense even when my mind is calm. Physical exercise is too difficult for me beyond walking, and even then, walking intensifies these aches.
I sometimes think of death because of the possibility of an afterlife, where I might be born once again as a more normal person, who won't be the subjects of panic attacks in every single moment of his life. Suicide, however, is a dumb idea because it creates a burden on others, especially those who care for one, but also people whose job is to find your corpse and bury you.
It's an unnecessary task that creates unnecessary worry.
I thus no longer see it as a viable option at all, even though I want the anxiety to stop permanently. I know that it might only stop in death, but this is not the time or place to kill oneself when there are things to take care of beforehand; especially if these things end with your life as well, in a sense, such as this website.
It is difficult even for me to quarantine myself from this world. You see, long periods of solitude can be very exhausting, even for an introvert such as myself. It is thus important to have people to speak with, even if only to cleanse the exhaustion from within. It is a better verdict, after all, than to suffer in silence or cry in helplessness. None of the latter will do you any good.
I wonder at times how the world would turn out if I were never born. I am the only child of my mother, and she really wanted a kid, especially a girl. There were attempts to make me more brothers or sisters, but they all failed. It is tempting to think how lucky I am for being the sole survivor of my mother's womb, while others have failed.
Nonetheless, I don't think the world would be changed so much, other than the potential sorrow of my mother in failing to give birth to others. Nonetheless, the world will change somehow. My presence someday, too if I continue to push forward. That vision, you see, is worth more than committing suicide.
The world appears to be a beautiful place. I myself live in probably the most beautiful region of my country. There are beautiful mountains, generally good weather, considerate neighbors, and fresh air. They're all outside my window for me to grasp.
However, if it means that I'll get this elusive feeling of peace, then it is preferred that my quarantine will resume until the time comes to go. Nothing appears to be preferable to resting in peace while in life, and not only in death.
...My nemesis might've been too light-headed when she called me irrelevant. How easy it is to torment someone with the expression of one or few words. Then, they stay in one's mind, haunting him like ghosts. Perhaps when she is disillusioned, I will finally get even closer to achieving lifelong serenity...
(2023 Note: She, the nemesis, haa been notified. I've indeed... been more peaceful since then. Victory may be accompanied by some peace).