Accepting Reality I: Accepting the Pain
Updated: Apr 11
2008/2009...
It was last year that I began losing the ability to relax naturally. I tried everything I could to cope. Psychologists, yoga, physical-therapy, anti-anxiety pills, meditation, alternative medicine, etc. All failed. For over a decade, an endless physical pain in the muscles has begun, and it began with a scream of pain. This pain made me stressed for years-on end, non-stop.
The pain was ignored by my conscious mind when I was too distracted. But even then, I could sense it staying in the background. It just does not seem to end, and I eventually accepted it in defeat. No matter how many deep breaths I took, the physical exercise I did, or the meditations I did, none overcame it.
I don't believe in actual curses, but it was wrong for me as a child to be both very tall and sit all day in class, in front of a computer, and so on. I would probably pay for this mistake for the rest of my life. 50 years at least, hopefully.
How did I manage to endure for so long, and not give up? What? Do you expect an answer? I just accepted this reality as inevitable, even though I tried to find ways to reduce it, but they had little effect at all! All the money, and efforts, gone to waste on attempts that became either feeble or effective only in the short term!
Don't get me wrong. I'm a healthy person, and I do not remember the last time I was ill. And still, it's hard to imagine a reality without this pain accompanying me, like a demon who always follows me wherever I go. (My medical condition of fatigue doesn't count. My nose is structured differently. It's why I am a fatigued man. I apologize for the times I referred to it as an illness).
What is the point of this article? Defeat is often a good way to survive. Be defeated, not because you're weak, but because you're doing it, so it will be easier to get used to reality. A reality given by circumstances or whatever other means. It may be worthwhile if you cannot alter reality.
Hope? It's good when there is a great possibility of salvation or redemption. But when you're obsessive about it, it becomes a nuisance, an obsession. A disturbance in your daily functioning. When you're hopeless about something, you can have an easier time, accepting its presence and authority. Being hopeless doesn't always mean despair; it means that there is no longer a reason to expect a change in things.
I was injected once with a calming substance in a hospital. These few minutes were the first time in over a decade that the tense pain was finally gone, even if momentarily. However, as the effect disappeared, the tension in the muscles returned.
And what has this pain brought? Anxiety, exhaustion, and compulsiveness. Even if I lay down in bed and rest, or go to sleep, I'm still stressed. And the muscles are still tense. It never stops, but the thought that it will never stop, brings me a sense of stability. And certainty.
At least with it, I know what the future will be, at least partially. Do I like it? Not at all. I'm no masochist. But the fact that I gave up, reduced the stress. Thus, I've become less stressful by giving up trying.
At least if I am to suffer this for life, at least now you may know, that there might be a bittersweet side to hopelessness. No matter how upsetting it may be, there's no point. Hopelessness could be a form of acceptance. Another person would feel very uncomfortable for having had this pain for so long. But for me, it was Tuesday.
