(September 2023 note: I am no longer handicapped. I explained why in this article).
It was in the final area of Suikoden IV, the El-Eal fortress, where I have indefinitely acquired a less-than-known emotion.
I expected society to understand exactly what I meant because I was young and naive. However, Israeli society either categorizes that emotion as sad or as happy. They had difficulty understanding my intentions.
It seems that emotions are largely dictated by language and external influences. If I hadn't played that game and if I had not taught myself English, perhaps I would have never known Bittersweet Satisfaction.
I did not manage to find this term online, so I made it myself.
Imagine finally reaching the enemy's base. a duel of fates, per se. However, despite your satisfaction, there isn't much in the enemy's halls.
A gloomy theme fills the hallways, and they are generally empty. There's no epicenter or excitement here. just the mystery of something that was never clear. Something, that does not care, if it's clear or obscure and yet has great presence.
This feeling has been with me since the early 2000s. A strange mixture between good health and an anti-climactic sense of ending.
I always had the intuition that my 20s were going to be the beginning of the end. I'm not talking about suicide, but about the likelihood of life never changing much anymore.
Chen's abandonment on Valentine's Day, 2014, only strengthened this notion even more. It seems that I "knew" all along that there wasn't much expected of me. That intuition has been proven prophetic, as I am now considered handicapped by the government due to my fatigue and might live forever on a welfare salary.
She may travel worldwide in search of excitement. I am incapable of traveling to the store for groceries by myself. In a sense, she is my exact opposite. She can do what I can't, and I care about what she does not.
I had this fantasy of a hermitage for years. Now it has been bestowed upon me by the hands of life. I don't really have much reason to leave this apartment anymore. Beyond exceptions, why should I? Sitting is painful anyway, even after I began using a respirator.
It was as if my intuition played a role in determining my fate.
As a result, I am living out my childhood fantasies. I am neither happy nor sad. All I feel, is that it was "meant" for me. A mixture resulted in overall satisfaction. You know, things could have turned out differently. It won't.
I don't know if there is a name for this emotion in other languages: A sense of silent accomplishment; an accomplishment that tells you: There's no point thinking beyond it; you've arrived; accept it and you'll find peace.
I know I could've done more in life if I were a different person or if I had a different brain. This sense of accomplishment stems from accepting the uncontrollable hand one was dealt, possibly for the rest of one's life...
Something like this one. Can you feel the accomplishment and the resolution? to try and be more aware of reality, and realize that one has little to no power over it?
An emotion of recognized solitude; Recognized "destiny".