Philosophy Satire: Minerva's Wingman (A Seinfeld and Philosophy Parody)

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Kramer and Newman dabble in quantum physics technology that would allow them to summon pizzas from the multiverse for their new pizza enterprise. However, their incompetence summons different philosophers from the original timeline. Furthermore, Kramer and Newman are transported back to the past. But because no one really cares about them, they just stay there and are never heard from again during the episode. They return in the next episode because that's how sitcoms work.

Because there is no demand for philosophers in the nearby philosophy factories, it is up for Seinfeld to help Kant, Hobbes and Nietzsche to hook up with New York's ladies so they could find a place to live and continue their respective legacies.... And maybe even true love?

For being the spineless man he is, Seinfeld allows the 3 philosophers to stay in his apartment. However, their constant discourse prevents him from making the terrible jokes no one really likes. So, he devised a plan with Elieen to hook the 3 men with her seemingly infinite inventory of female friends.

Meanwhile, for the idiot he is, George eavesdropped on their scheme and honestly believed the philosophers are lesbians. Simping for chromo XX kind, George plans in solitude how to use his irresistible Constanza charm, which definitely worked in the past, to convert the "lesbians" to his "home turf" like a catholic priest.

The attempt to dispose of the existential good-for-nothings are set in a restaurant called "Cabaret Caboose". On their way to the event, Seinfeld argued with Elieen over how overly sensitive lactose-intolerant people are.

"At this point, I can't even make jokes about cheese, Elieen!"

Impractically offended by this, because she had a stray cat who hated cheese and escaped her basement, Elieen whines in normalized infantility and abandons the group. For the profound mastermind Seinfeld is, he is now left with the three stooges on his own with the ladies.

At "Cabaret Caboose", the date goes horribly awkward. For the profound intellects Elieen's girlfriends are, none of them were ever introduced to actual philosophy. Because they are flat in mind, not necessarily elsewhere, they think the 3 geniuses are in fact executives from "Philosophy", a skincare company.

When their Platonic Cave-Like conception is revealed, Seinfeld tries to subvert their ignorance to his own interests, promoting their collective deception.

However, the philosophers get mad as they begin inquiring about the horrible pain of not being understood by society. Collectively, they intend to leave and look for a way back to their own respective historical periods. You know, like the geeky killjoys they are.

Unfortunately, the women were triggered because now they think they were talking about their periods. For god's sake!

Remembering the one time he read Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" back in Florida, Seinfeld actually makes a smart decision and convinces the discouraged ladies to calm each other in the bathroom.

Anyways, while the diversion tactic was in effect, Seinfeld asks the philosophers what's wrong with them.

"What's wrong with you guys? I thought you were supposed to be smart!!"

The philosophers then threaten Seinfeld that they will create an intellectualist syndicate solely for the degradation of his already-degraded material if he won't let them go. They told them that their combined wit will bring him much financial misfortune, so the categorical imperative is to let them set free.

Degreeless, but not in a Rubinshteinic type of way, Seinfeld takes a deep zen breath and just tells them to be themselves with the ladies. That, the moral thing to do is to apologize for causing them grief and have a little bit of fun before both parties part ways.

Further amused by his usually misused mind, the philosophers agree in unison. The ladies return from the bathroom, also trying to try and have a decent night out at the Cabaret.

Their efforts are ruined by George, who enters the Caboose institution with over-the-top attire. He used all his savings just for that attire. He also bought a cane with a diamond and a top hat because he is "a philosopher".

Ignoring the actual philosophers in front of his eyes, George introduces himself to the ladies and begins philosophizing with horrible logic in order to charm their brains.

Kant, being a deontologist, begins fixing George every time he makes a fallacy in his arguments.

Triggered by this, George begins to confront the little man and asks him what "he" does for a "living", that he "dares" challenge his rationale.

Kant says that he's a deontologist.

Having no idea what that means, George says he would break his teeth with his cane if he won't shut up.

The philosophers laugh hysterically. Seinfeld left the scene thanks to Sun Tzu's wisdom, undetected. "Visiting my annoying parents does pay after all", he said to himself as he left. "Hmmm... Maybe I should return there as my personal conclusion to this episode... Seinfeld, you're the man with the plan!"

"He is not a dentist you underutilized untermensch!" Nietzsche mocked George. "He is a deontologist!"

"Yeah.... I knew that." He laughs awkwardly. "A teeth historian".

Both the philosophers and the women laugh at the poor man. George begins to cry in distress. "I'm never going to get out of my parent's, aren't I?"

Feeling sorry for his misfortune, one of the ladies offers to get to know him better.... personally.

George gets excited and she commands him to wait outside, which he does without question.

"I'm so glad I bought my shackles in my purse... Well, see you around!" the lady leaves with a joyous grin on her face after she turned around for the door..

"Well, Thomas, I guess we're just the four of us. I detect a plot hole in this flawed reality, because Kant is somehow gone too. And God is dead, so this is not even a cruel joke from a script writer from Olympus."

Awkward silence.

Hobbes finishes with a philosophical, punchline pickup.

"Tonight, let us forge a social contract. Surrender your powers to me and my associate, and in return we will bear your company on our leviathans!"

The ladies leave in disgust. Nietzsche leaves too. Hobbes lives the rest of his life as a New York homeless man.