Many people see life as something to be desired, something that's there to be enjoyed.
I find no joy in life. In fact, I haven't found joy in it for about a decade.
For me, life isn't to be desired. Life is to be done. Completed. Accomplished. Fulfilled.
Done through hard work. Because work builds people, benefits others, and helps successors obtain a better future than that of their predecessors/ancestors.
It's the only reason I still choose to live.
Because for me, life is just a task to be carried out. Nothing more. A job that put me where I am today.
I am not loved. I am rarely shown affection. I [September 2023: no longer am, fortunately] a prisoner of my own physical disability.
Why would I live life voluntarily?
I instead force myself to live. Perhaps, only when I will be shown affection regularly, will I see a desire to live, and not just force myself to live. I've had enough with just showing love without receiving it.
The pain, the trauma. All have been haunting me for about 10-20 years. They hurt me in accordance.
I yearn for the day when my task in this reality will finally come to an end. However, I refuse to hasten it. I want the resignation of life to come naturally. And only naturally.
Hopefully then, I will cease the agony and the trauma. Only then might I, at last, be free of both. Hopefully.
I take great solace in the notion that we are not immortals. That I, too, will rest eternally in peace. No work, no fatigue. No thought and no emotion.
Only eternal silence.
Until my mortal contract is done, I will leave myself no choice, but to live. And to me, living means work.
I don't know how to get love. How to get affection. I don't know how to release all the trauma from my body. A decade of therapy failed to heal me.
I don't even know for sure why I've been keeping people away from me. That also includes my cat. I've been keeping a lot of people away by simply existing. Is it... vibrational energy?
I only know that there is work to be done. Work that I designate it to be such.
And that I must work in order to justify my existence. Perhaps, only then, will I be loved. If not by a lady, then by my successors.
Love/affection are the nectars of life. They can make one feel truly alive. Beyond that, I feel... usually nothing. Silence from within. Like at a graveyard at night.
I only felt alive very rarely. When a certain someone actually showed me love once. I was the happiest since a whole decade.
Yes, it will all be over one day. I no longer find dread in it. In mortality. In the eternity fallacy.
Only a sense of relief. Because to be fired is to be relieved from one's duties.
And like with a work shift, I just want to get this over with. So I would be able to return.
Beyond love, I want nothing more, nothing less other than my purpose as a worker and employer.
Benefit from my growing resources and work under me if desired. I only live for that.
And if you want positive content here (such as this one) then volunteer. By volunteering, you'll be able to take it down by your own permission.
Unless I will feel alive once again, I will live by consent and not by desire. Perhaps only love will give me another reason to live. A reason to desire life, too.
When you have no love from this world, you instead seek respect as a substitute.
Religious people may claim that we all came here for a purpose. That we are here for a "tikkun". And that it is the choice of a divine power, whether one is to live or to die.
I am merely filling my part, and nothing more. My secularism does not matter in this.