(Immortality Directory: https://www.philosocom.com/post/the-danger-of-immortality)
(Romantic) love is pretty much a gamble, and that is why love hurts. It hurts because neither you nor the person you love will love you forever and ever. The cliché tales of Cinderella and other princesses and princes, where they get to live "happily ever after", are something not many people get to achieve, even if they get to marry one another for a long period.
You may love others, and they may love you, but only for the time being. You can't know if they will love you tomorrow or the day after, and vice versa. Love is uncertain.
In such an utter lack of certainty comes a second element: pain. When the heart breaks, the pain begins, and if you cannot redeem that pain by moving on or by other means, than that pain will stick with you until you get it out of your body and mind in one way or another.
Since love can be lost anytime, anywhere, and by just about anyone, pain will become a common feature as long as you pursue it.
Some are stronger; others are weaker or more sensitive. It's been 8 years since my own pain began, but even though I gave up on wanting to love, the pain didn't stop in the long term. I don't love her anymore, but it is the pain that keeps me going; keeps me going to seek revenge through the legitimacy of relevance.
She told me how great love is, as if boasting me by showing me what she has and what I might never have. However, whenever I wanted to love, I got punished by the world. It was the desire to not be punished anymore that drove me to abstinence.
It is the pain that lives in the back of my mind that makes me want to see it through. The hope that she will not belittle me anymore just because she does not love me. That lack of love is a poor justification to shame and disrespect. I am not morally depraved like many others are in our world.
The solution seems obvious, is it not? The solution is to "move on" and seek other suitable partners. That is a short-sighted endeavor, because it doesn't change the fact that love is a gamble. Love is always a gamble!
Even after decades of marriage, the other side might decide that they want to see other people. Nothing, I say, stands in the way of uncertain intuition, uncertain emotion, and uncertain comfort. This is why I do not want to love anymore.
I've long accepted the fact that she will never love me. I don't know why she was so determined to dispose of me, as I'm autistic, but that isn't what I seek anymore. Relevance, you see, is not something that only includes her.
This is not a one-time strike but a long stream of endeavor, where she, the one far away from me, stands. Relevance is fantastic; it spreads like a positive "plague" in people's minds. When you're relevant, you're not only relevant to one person, but to a greater collective, a collective that shall refer to you if you're a person or use you if you're a tool.
It is when even people like her see me as relevant that I will know that my mission in this world is complete. Her reluctance, however strong, is too weak to resist my quest through contribution. It is not just an ambition but an end-goal, an end-goal that will either be just that or a very major milestone.
This is why I seek revenge; showing her she was wrong will bring me more happiness than any uncertain love she would've otherwise given me in an alternative timeline.
At its maximum, love ends with the death of at least one of the partners. Then, it "requires" the partner to either remain a widow or seek a new partner, until each side dies once more. However, relevance has the power to last more than a generation, more than a lifetime.
This is why I sought philosophership, in the end, because philosophers who are considered great enough are those who might be remembered for hundreds, if not thousands, of years! That duration of importance can be greater than any intensity of romantic love!
She is the "object". The represented symbol of love. Once I "conquer" her challanege of my relevancy, I'll be able to know that I'm capable of "conquering" the whole world. That is, even in the form of memory, contribution, and visiting and using legacy.
This is why I speak of relevancy so much, why I am obsessed by it. It is the key, the first step, towards "immortality" in the minds of others, long after one's death. Even when political leaders die, they remain in the pages of history or in history classes.
I do not seek to rule a country, but I seek to be useful enough to the world that very few will see me as useless. This is why I write so much, to the point of not submitting to the few who have told me to stay quiet. Now I understand.
To be immortalized through contribution, through help... don't you see? It is greater than the love of any man or woman, for that is a mere emotion, bound to uncertainty. A relevance strong enough, could overcome even the most innovative of inventions or solutions. That is because the past is too important to be overlooked, and people wise enough have known, know, and will know that fact.
Because of that, I will resume my isolation from the world.... for that is a sacrifice I am willing to make if it means my usefulness to others will be extended both quantitatively and chronologically.