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Why Love Hurts

Updated: Apr 25

It is said that love is one of the greatest emotions in existence? the most important of all, and yet, it is also said that love hurts. Indeed, love, while it bathes you in warmth, can also hurt you a lot, even to the point of some people being willing enough to... desire death. If love is such a wonderful emotion, then why is such a negative extreme? Most importantly, why is it overlooked by many?

The harsh reality about love is not that some people have no love. The harsher fact that those who had love before, and suffered quite a lot because of it. The reason being, as said before, that love hurts. It might hurt anyone who is too emotionally attached to the person they so love.

The mental pain caused by love comes from this harsh reality. The fact that one is no longer needed by the other person. That one is.. disposable, irrelevant, and worst of all, expandable by the very person they once loved (and perhaps were loved in return, too).

This is not only about romance. It can also apply to family members that choose to cut ties with you. To friends that you once thought were loyal, and to a pet that has abandoned you and ran away from your house. Indeed, what makes love so agonizing, is the possibility that one day, you will no longer be needed, by said person. It's the same approach a villain would have to his/her henchmen. Especially if they failed you "for the last time".

And the thing is, the pain's source can happen anywhere, anytime, by anyone. Reality is uncertain because the future is uncertain. Definately not certain for the fullest extent. People you once thought to be your allies might leave you whenever they please, just as you can do to them. Love, regardless of type, is all about emotional attachment, to someone who could rip said attachment, if they see a good reason to do so. Good in their eyes, not generally.

The only certainty, when it comes to love, is the love you have for yourself. You can't leave yourself, can you? People will come and go, but you will forever stay within the confines of your own company, whether you're together with others, whether you lead a life of solitude. There is no such thing as absolute loyalty, even if declared, because doubt is always an option, especially in times of crisis, or of other opportunities.

Therefore, love is partially illogical, because it is an emotion that seeks certainty in an uncertain world. It seeks loyalty where there could be doubt. It seeks alliance, where there could be better options for the subject whom you love. Why, therefore, put love in such a supreme position? Just because it gives one such satisfaction at start? Those who are not afraid of negative emotions, such as rejection, might as well be exceptions to this missive.

Friendships, marriages, companionships, and alliances. All can be broken by what the lover or loved one sees as rationally better. Thus, as long as the "better" factor is present or has the potential to be present, your love could crumble at any time, no matter how intensive it may be! Hence the politics involved in this field. I'm not referring to a government. I am referring to the power struggles between people, on limited "resources". With the "resources" being other partners.

My final love, for example, left me on the most unexpected day of the year -- Valentine's Day. It was a foolish decision on her behalf to abandon me on that day. Foolish, because she was determined that I would forget her entirely.

However, whenever the 14th of February arrives, I can't help but remember her. I've been remembering her for each V-Day since 2014, all because the fact that she left me, as a friend, on that day. How could you forget a love interest on a day dedicated to love?

And the thing is, it was very unexpected, as we talked before the separation began, when we wished each other a happy Valentine's Day. And yet, as I was on my daily walk that afternoon, that was the time she announced her abandonment. It was then that I began realizing, the changing, yet potential, uncertainty of any love for any being.

No one likes being seen as expendable, unless it pleases you somehow. And yet, this element is always present when you love someone, are loved, or when the feeling is mutual.

There are other people that person might love after you, and after them, they might find another love interest, and so goes on and on, until one is convinced, even temporarily, that it is time to settle down. Should that marriage fail, the lifelong search will carry on regardless -- and you will be put in the shadows of the past, as others will be as well.

This is why I don't want to be romantically engaged. Because I am tired of being seen as just a pawn in someone's chess game. To be seen a minor component in it. The only solution to escape from expendability, is to make yourself loved so much, the chances of uncertainty will decrease significantly.

For there is no love that can never be expendable. Even after 50 years of marriage.

How do some people do that? By making cults, by becoming dictators, by being abusive, and by expecting absolute loyalty from their counterparts. I, at least, would rather remain loveless, than use such immoral methods!

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Tomasio A. Rubinshtein, Philosocom's Founder & Writer

I am a philosopher from Israel, author of several books in 2 languages, and Quora's Top Writer of the year 2018. I'm also a semi-hermit who has decided to dedicate his life to writing and sharing my articles across the globe. Several podcasts on me, as well as a radio interview, have been made since my career as a writer. More information about me can be found here.

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