The Rubinshteinic Period of Losing Emotions and Emotion Directory
- Mr. Tomasio Rubinshtein
- Apr 8, 2023
- 6 min read
Updated: 7 days ago
The Directory on Emotions
Introduction
I have once lost many of my emotions by using logic, reason, and philosophy. Especially joy, but sadness too. I seem to have been unconsciously denying this fact. I have done things that used to make me feel joy, but they no longer did. I was a changed man.
I didn't really feel anything. Maybe being tired, once in a few days, but nothing else.
Truth, Change and Denial
The truth changes you overtime, develops you, transforms you. When not debated, it is a journey of golden solitude. The quest for truth is a journey that changes you over time, where the only thing certain is one's own ignorance.
Unconscious denial, according to a source listed below, is a defense mechanism. The purpose of it is to avoid reality. That's right, to avoid facing the facts.
The truth. Therefore, those who seek the truth would become philosophers, as the point of philosophy is to research the truth. It is my nectar, the only thing that satisfies me beyond love.
Hence why, in Socrates' opinion, "an unexamined life is not worth living."
Those who are not interested in reality as much will not bother to examine it. And the truth is, that I examine it every waking moment.
The truth is like a drug. It shatters your perceived misconceptions, and alters your entire cognitive reality.
Those who break themselves away from unconscious denial, let the truth shape them, and change them.
Losing Emotions -- A Phase
When I realized that our emotions are often unnecessary, I lost some. Gradually.
Sensitivity, fear, anxiety.
I realized that many people are heavily biased and unquestioning, specifically because of their emotions. The emotion blinds them from seeing the greater vista that lies beyond their minds. Prevents them from questioning. If they feel something, it must be true.
And not only because they did not bother to study logic. I never claimed to have a perfect understanding of it, but the more I understand, the more distant I grow from the rest of humanity. Not physically, but from society. From other people. Socially. I turn into a more solitary being. My emotional empathy decreases, and is instead replaced with cognitive empathy.
I am no longer naive. I am awaken, disillusioned, more and more from emotions the more I philosophize. My thoughts change, my emotions change, either exist or become non-existent.
It is but a phase within a bigger journey, and the quest of truth is never ending, and so is the solitude that often accompanies it.
During emotionless phases, nothing really excites me. Art, nature, affection. Nothing of those.
People may have a hard time with this condition. I do not. I find it relieving, when I feel nothing, to feel nothing. To not be overburdened by emotion, is good. Is calm. Is stable.
A good philosopher will not let their emotions be the judge of their thinking. They instead use rational questioning to try to understand the realities both inside and outside of them.
My Relations with Emotions
We have conscious and unconscious relationships with things, with emotions, with people, and so on.
My relations with emotions are very complex ones. The reason why I was emotionless is because of my time with the conventional world.
At kindergarten, I was criticized by the teacher that I am too happy. Ever since then, the education system encouraged me to repress my emotions. A former love interest told me that exposing my emotions was a mistake. Wanting to understand as much as I can, these experiences influenced how I saw emotions.
I saw them as something to be discarded, not as something to be cherished or taken care of.
As a result, I changed and grew darker. Heavily saddened by the flat emotions of this world, my mentality attempted to change, to grow, to adept.
But I am a unique being. A mental chameleon that changes and transforms all the time per the truth I research constantly.
Ever since I found love, I turned sensitive. Sensitive, but distant from the conventional world nonetheless.
People like to have fun in life. They like to travel the world, smell the flowers, enjoy good food. Enjoy friends. Enjoy intercourse. Not suffer.
And I just want to understand existence. Not only the good parts of it, but also the grim, the gloomy, the dark. The truth may hurt me. The truth may hurt you more than it does me, since I am also though enough to accept the harsh truths of this world.
I am not an escapist. I accept the truth and watch as it transforms me into a different breed every single time. However, I attempt at being moral in all these phases, as my morality is intuitive.
And my morality dictates: Stay away from much of this world. It has harmed you too much to the point that it made you feel nothing, that it turned you grim and dark.
I never want to give up on my inner light, so I have largely forsaken humanity, which has wounded me in so many ways I managed to mentally survive. I am a survivor of many traumas. And these traumas I felt because I dared show my emotions.
And that is why the philosopher might be more solitary than others, even if they are in company. They are solitary because their desire to understand is greater. To understand why they are the way they are, and why others are the way they are.
All the why. All the why.
And outside company, there is safety. Safety from their harm. Safety from the suffering they may intentionally or unintentionally inflict on you.
I don't want to suffer. I want to live in peace with this world. Per my traumas, per my need to recover.
My emotions were so negative, my mind shut them off. Denied them from me.
Love redeemed me. Love helped me understand it is okay to feel emotions.
Then, all the emotions my mind has locked away in the unconscious have begun to be back to the conscious. Only in love and in solitude you are allowed to be your full self.
The Main Point
The point of this missive is this: It is all a phase. Nothing ever remains in its current form. Nothing is set in stone, not even stone itself. Who knows what tomorrow may bring, not only externally, but also internally? Who knows?
But as long as you are good, as long as you remain good during all these phases, you will save yourself from becoming corrupt and evil.
All emotions, and their lack, are valid. What really matters, is what you do with them, practically.
Phases are not justification for evil. Nothing justifies evil, or doing harm for the sake of harm or for pleasure.
We should reduce harm, instead, as much as possible. And if we suffer, at least we should suffer for a worthy cause of our time. A good cause, one that redeems us away from the darkness. One that restores us back to the light.
This world is too corrupt. I have no desire to partake in it anymore. I just want to rectify it from afar while being with my emotions.
I missed my emotions so much... so.. so.. much...
Using the full extent of my emotions, I can craft better articles and better art. That's what sensitivity is for.
And sensitivity is shunned by the conventional world, sensitivity is a threat, sensitivity and truth are what the conventional world rejects in favor of vice, not virtue.
This world disheartened me, for the man it once made me be.
I am glad that dark man is no more.
I am glad it was just a phase.
It yielded its own kind of work, which I will put as "related posts". But I am glad that the light within me has finally returned.
Hopefully the phase of light will shine for as long as possible. In solitude. In love.
The promised source:
Thanks for reading.
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