Lament of Past Trauma -- On Struggles Long Gone

Lament of Past Trauma -- On Struggles Long Gone

The system is a giant machine that devours life and beauty, and excretes misery and ugliness -- Sofo Archon

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As I reflect on the past, I realize how much suffering and trauma would've been prevented if I had the current medication I have today. I dreamed last night of being back at school but with the current prescription I have today. It felt much smoother and pleasant than it actually was back then. Shame I had to go through a period of utter madness just to get the medication I have today, which makes life almost like paradise compared to what it was over the years.

There is no justice in this world, and I believe most of the suffering and trauma I had to go through was undeserved. I believe I'm a good person, perhaps more than the average individual, perhaps not. I'm done either way praising myself with grandiosity like I used to. The past grandiosity was nothing more than a symptom of the illness I have, not properly medicated.

And to think, if I didn't make the bold choice of going unmedicated for several months, the suffering would've resumed without any intervention to help me.

I don't seek pity for my cursed condition. I never had. I dealt with the suffering with strength most people did not see nor recognized. Life's been rough for many years. I'm used to it, and carried myself forward with unrelenting determination to survive. Shame many people would never see that. But I never sought validation or recognition, either way. I just wanted to live, despite the constant temptation to die.

Would I recommend other people who are suffering due to illness to stop their current medication? It's a great gamble, and a very dangerous one. I took it with bravery, believing I can manage the symptoms myself. Although I was wrong, it eventually led me to receive the ideal medication I have now. Since 2025 life has never been the same; it's been ideal compared to what I had to go through, being mentally unstable for most of my life so far (September 2026).

Perhaps if I had the medication I had back when I attempted being part of this world, life would've gone a lot smoother. I might've been able to finish National Service, I might've been able to get at least one philosophy degree, or maybe even hold a job. But no. Being mentally unstable I wasn't able to achieve either of those, instead leading me to forge a path most people would never get to experience.

And to think, if I didn't go that unique path of starting Philosocom and rising to power as a neurodivergent sovereign, several people would've died. I instead had the opportunity to save them. It's something that most people would never get to experience, saving lives. It's because of my former mental instability is why I'm where I am today, not needing to work, while managing a hidden gem of a website for my own fulfilment and for you, too. Without the instability I wouldn't deviate to where I am today.

Perhaps I can try integrating back to society, but I don't want it. I am fine where I am today, living as a hermit more than ever before. Life has taught me how full of rage and hatred people can be filled with. I don't want to deal with that anymore. All I want is to live in peace, and rectify this cursed world through the site with my many articles.

I might as well never be normal. Maybe close to it, but never entirely normal. I'm too traumatized by the world to want to partake in it. And it's all because of the unjust fact that I got the proper medication only late in life.

Life can be cruel to people who aren't properly medicated or who aren't medicated at all and need such a thing in their lives. That's so much I learned on my own flesh. But I refuse seeing myself as a victim. I dealt with it the best I ever could, under what the circumstances back then allowed me to.

Being unmedicated made the world feel like an active threat than it actually was. People react differently to when you are unmedicated compared to when you are mentally stable. They react the best when you are stable. Without proper medication it's just conflict after conflict, tackle after tackle. And all I wanted since I started deviating was peace. But people don't care about what you desire, nor care if you are a good person. Once you poison their wells, intentionally or otherwise, they can become savage.

I realized I'm too innocent to partake in society. Even the simplest of expressions, delivered without malicious intent, can be horribly misunderstood and bring the wrath of people on you. It's almost amazing how savage people can be when the version of you in their minds becomes too overwhelming for them to handle, so they begin to hurt you, if not traumatize you, as a way to defend themselves from the perceived threat that is yourself. Even if it's merely perceived, it's experienced by them as real.

This world can truly be a horrible place to be in. Some might even call it a hell realm. That's why I want to rectify it, as futile as rectifying is. I can at least die knowing I got to do whatever I wanted to do. Most people are simply forced by the system to comply irrespective of what they think or feel.

I wish for anyone who are suffering to find their solace in whatever makes them stable and happy.