Thoughts On Being Normal and Living a Normal Life

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To be frank, my life so far was very unique and probably beyond average comprehension. I saved people, I rose to power as a power-hungry dictator and lead divisions, I acted as a guard for my mother, and I found love through all of my eccentric history. In my former madness, I set out to rectify the world, only to get caught and have my insanity treated properly.

For years I was afraid of being normal. I sought to be something more than normal because I wanted to fight the nihilism that comes with normalcy. I sought revenge against a person I once loved so I resumed my mad work on this site and helped many people to prove my relevance... Mainly to myself.

I am no longer power hungry. I am no longer mad, and most importantly, I no longer seek to be something more than normal. At this point, I just want to be a normal individual, living a normal, although ascetic, life. I no longer seek to be a great philosopher, or a mighty conqueror, or a rectifier of the world.

Being finally and properly treated for my madness and suffering, the manic passion that led me to write countless articles for Philosocom is gone. The creativity that often comes from an unstable mental state -- and I was very unstable for much of my life -- is gone along with the instability. As such, writing articles in the ways I used to be, are no longer available for me. Yet at least I take solace in the fact that, while I'm not as creative as I used to, I no longer suffer.

Pain used to be my constant reality, and from pain I drew a lot of inspiration to write, to rise to power over others and, through empathy, be there for people who were in personal crisis. With my current treatment, even the pain that accompanied me from childhood to adulthood is gone.

All I am left with is to be a normal man with an extremely unique and unstable past which lead to the creation of this empire of a website, which gave me plenty of meaning during highly difficult times.

Yet the difficulty is gone. The need to be unique is gone. All I want to be is a simple man that rests in his bed and spend the days watching videos. I don't feel like being a philosopher or a leader, and yet I am by the massive work of my troubled past.

I will still keep the site on because it keeps my partner happy, and might continue writing from time to time. Yet, please don't expect much from me anymore. I no longer have the need to philosophize as a way of life, and at this point in my life I am willing to face the nihilism that follows with being normal and stable.

It is that very same nihilism that led me to philosophize as a child, and started a depression that encompassed much of my life. Because of all my suffering and instability, I couldn't find work, I couldn't continue in my studies at the university I used to attend; I had a very difficult life that stemmed from my various conditions.

Yet, I don't seek your pity. All I want is to write my thoughts from time to time, allow the articles of other people on this platform, and be left alone to lead a normal life.

What's with the nihilism of being normal? Simple. Being small, being insignificant, that is what being normal means to me. To handle my depression that stemmed from that very same nihilism, I did massive feats, such as writing books, writing this site and so on and on. I sought to be great and I sought to contribute. Yet, understanding more the selfish nature of most of humanity, I no longer seek to contribute to it like I used to. I just need a space to write my thoughts at this point, and as I said, be left alone.

Despite wanting to live a normal life, I perceive the world as a threat. I realized that this world makes many people want to die, and if I avoid the world and only use it as a necessary evil for survival, I won't want to die myself. And I wanted to die many times, tried, and fortunately failed. The anxiety of perceiving this world as a threat lingers deep in my heart, even when I am safe and alone. I wish I could've avoided the world entirely, but alas, I need it too to function.

As a child I saw myself as the protagonist of Suikoden IV, Razro. And like him, I did great things only to return to normalcy in the end. This is the end for me -- a life of little significance.

I am ready to face the very same nihilism that brought me on the journey to philosopher-ship. Ready to face it, without wanting to die, without sinking to depression again. Despite all I did, life is objectively meaningless, and no number of great achievements will change that.

I may be a philosopher, but at this point I am a normal person, or at least, aspiring to be one. And at this point, I aspire to be more normal than philosopher. I tire of seeking greatness, of seeking power, and of seeking revenge.

The world is becoming more and more dystopian, and I just yearn to be but a tiny speck in it, and mind my own business without interfering, anymore.