I Long for the Madness... Grieving What Was

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"No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness." -- Aristotle

I long for the unmedicated madness that has inflicted me for a while; For the thrill and unleashed passion of instability; For the continuous need for catharsis, to write and write and create without limit. As much as I suffered during my unmedicated era, it was one of my most productive times ever, where I renovated my empire like a madman and created outstanding art for some articles.

But alas, it would be unwise of me to give in to the temptation to not take the medication, which stabilize me and allow me to live a good quality of life. If I give in to the temptation of madness, I'd lose everything I worked so hard to get and to maintain.

I long for the madness, but that might be something I'll never get to experience again. It was a one of a lifetime period, where I laughed maniacally and heard my late grandmother talking to me in my head, revealing to me many insights about this world I shared freely and with much fun.

I am no longer ill, like that. I am stable, I am healthy, and I experience the boredom of peace every day. I did not mind the immense suffering I had during my unmedicated era, for I am used to suffer. If only my unstable condition didn't affect some people the way it did, I'd probably be able to get away with it, and resume creating, with profound creativity and with madness of genius, unthinkable content for Philosocom.

Had I continued being unmedicated, I would've lost everything, and forever be locked, unable to work on my legacy the profound way I did back then. I am a dysfunction, a glitch in the matrix. My existence is a societal problem, and it is best for me to be left alone by the vast majority of the world. The system does not want rectification, it wants preservation.

Had I not had things to lose, I'd gladly be unmedicated once more, and get to write and renovate madly, and increase the quality of the site even more.

But no, the unstable ingredient needed for such a massive upgrade of the site's content is missing and might be so forever. I lament the loss of my madness, for it was the thing necessary to explore many insights on a high, cathartic state.

I do not like to be sane, but sanity is what I need to preserve what I accumulated thus far in life. I thus take my medication every day with unrelenting discipline. I am too smart to lose it all due to temptation. I have no wise choice but to bury the madness, my old friend, and move on as a stable, sane man.

Still, I prefer to live ascetically and isolate myself rather than fully integrating into this sick society. With this medication, I have the opportunity to combine myself with the rest of the world. However, I am too disgusted to do that. I cannot bear the disgust. If I need to sacrifice my madness, at least spare me the need to sacrifice my sovereignty. I don't want to be normal. I want to work on this legacy and be left alone.

Who knows what more art I could've created; who knows how many of my articles would've turned out. I lament the loss of madness, and despite the vast amount of suffering that came my way, I was completely fine with it. Back then, I predicted the future; had I stayed mad, I would've been able to bring Paradise upon this cursed land, and perhaps rectify the planet along with it.

But alas, the medication compels me to stay at a level of normalcy; one that eliminates the need of catharsis as a means to stabilize oneself, for the meds already do it for me. It is through catharsis that I unleashed massive articles not merely as a passion, but as a form of mental survival; a necessity to stabilize a maddened biological chatarsis.

Philosocom is my gift to humanity. Had I continued being mad, it would've been an even greater gift. Well, at least I got to work on many articles and artwork nonetheless during my mad times.

It has truly been a privilege to be mad for so long and be able to get away with it. During those times I felt my soul and meditated so well, my thoughts were gone for a while, and I got to experience the world beyond the mind without the mental chatter. I felt my soul, and cleansed illnesses across the body while it was forcing me to lay down. My perception was moving fast from one point to another, it was a hell of a ride. And, I got rid of my cursed asthma due to powers I was given due to my former madness.

But alas, while being my unmedicated self, I scared a lot of people easily and unintentionally. I am not a social person already, but they couldn't fathom, nor endure, the genius madness I was in, writing to them relentlessly and remorselessly.

The catharsis, the special powers that healed me from my physical illnesses, and the profound creativity I possessed are all gone. Now, the only way to access creativity is through unwavering discipline, which is far harder to do, and is far less profound.

I made a trade -- stability and good quality of life at the cost of amazing creativity; a far less profound intellect in the name of being able to take care of myself and interacting with people without scaring them off; Peace, instead of suffering. That is, perhaps, the greatest benefit of the trade I made.

And still, peace is a compromise, and peace is a liability. Yet, a peaceful life is what I chose to lead, and choose every day by taking these cursed pills, which prevent me from seeing reality on a much cosmic scale.

I hope that my unstable times have, and will have, help people through the content they yielded.

Had Paradise Incarnate been prevented from this world because of the loss of my madness? No one would ever know. Yet, if there is one article that yielded the most benefit, it would be the Pax Ethica article, the one talking about World Peace. That ideal state of Pax Ethica is the goal of world rectification.

Maybe I could've brought Pax Ethica to this world had I continued being unmedicated. Yet, I cannot discard myself and my own interests entirely. If I want to continue living independently and maintain the cherished connections I achieved, I have no choice but remain sane, without the powers bestowed upon me by the madness I was enthralled in.

Maybe one day, when these cherished connections gone by the inevitability of death, I would give in to the madness which I long for so much. I would then resume my work on Philosocom tenfold, and maybe through it, bring Paradise Incarnate to this sick, disgusting world.

Until then... I'll enjoy the benefits of being sane, and do my reluctant best at resisting the temptation of becoming mad once more.

I hope I would at least being able to contribute sufficiently to you during my sane state, as that is ultimately all I want to do when I say I want to rectify the world.