Femininity is a great thing for those who seek emotional freedom and expression. However, it may bring some suffering to those who are very emotionally invested. It is desired the same as it is seen with reluctance, depending on who you ask.
A big note before I start: I am not a women-hater, nor do I view men as superior to women. I just don't really like femininity, and that too isn't said in an attempt to sound edgy, ultra-manly, or something along those lines.
For all my life, I had problems interacting with women, whether they were teachers, classmates, love interests, or my own mother. I had trouble accepting femininity, and to this day, I loathe the fact that I'm sensitive.
From a logical standpoint, I find femininity impractical, even counter-productive, because too much emotion brings unnecessary suffering. As someone who is unfortunately emotional himself, I never saw the need to appreciate the fact that I am highly sensitive.
Some people believe that all people have a mix of masculinity and femininity within them. I don't intend to appear macho, nor do I see myself as a macho man, but I am generally a masculine man. Whenever I'm not anxious, I'm pretty laid back, and I am very uncomfortable with highly emotional things.
One of the reasons why I abandoned the notion of love was because women were cold to me, and I don't want to be treated like that ever again. These women were more than just my former friend Chen; they were also teachers, neighbors, and, lately, my mom.
I wanted to disconnect from her because I view that as imperative to one's independence, so she started to be cold to me. I don't know what makes women be cold or dismissive towards me, but I guess that's what happens when you are yourself.
The one I regard as "Lady of the Shadows", the one I'll nickname "Seph", was the most mysterious to me. Whenever I said something to her that she didn't know what to say, she would waste my time by being silent while we were having a conversation.
Some other times, she would just ignore me. To this day, I have never understood her silence, nor do I believe that I ever will understand. It is too late anyway.
I think it is probably difficult to be a woman, both biologically and emotionally. It is certainly difficult when you are the one who needs to give birth to your child. He/she needs to grow within you for a few months and then be released into the world in great pain.
Also, until a certain age, you'll have difficult periods to accompany you. To be sincere, I don't quite understand female biology, nor do I wish to. In fact, it made me want to puke a couple of times, which is difficult for someone who likes adult-rated cartoons.
I apologize if I make anyone uncomfortable, but I guess I don't really like being around certain women. Of course, not all women, but a select few; those who are cold to you and call you irrelevant if you have no value to them; those who are too emotional; those who talk about their biologically intimate stuff in public; those who are cringy, clingy, and so on. I guess femininity isn't something everyone likes, including myself.
I just want to live a relaxed life devoid of drama, pain, or "explosions". It's why I don't go to hang out with my mother anymore, and why she treated me badly recently. Even when the very few women who said they loved me told me so, I had a hard time relating or understanding.
I guess it really didn't mean anything to me, as it doesn't tell me now. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say other than "thank you" or "I love you too", even if I don't really mean it.
If it means that I will not be treated coldly, then I don't mind isolating myself from the world, even from my own mother. I don't hate her, and I appreciate the things she done to me. However, I find it difficult to say to other beings that I love them, unless it's a pet.
I wish she wasn't so emotional; I wish I wasn't emotional too, but because of our feminine sides I decided to disconnect from her and only communicate with her when it's necessary. I don't like this decision, but it seems inevitable if I want to live more peacefully.
In a way I am glad I don't need to share a room with someone else, let alone a bed together. Never understood the joy in it.
I sometimes wish life were different, than I were. However, it seems that I'm too unattractive to be cared for as a human being. Thus, I'll try being a notable philosopher instead. I am too dysfunctional as a mere human; I'm cold to others without even meaning it.
Whenever I'm emotional, I cause suffering to others; whenever I'm devoid of emotions, I make others be hostile towards me for some reason I don't understand.
This body is unworthy to be loved, or so I feel. At least my words will be adored by people across the world, or so I hope. I won't be hugged, but I will be read; I will not be kissed, but I will be listened to.
It is all one big attempt to redeem one further away from one's original sin, the Sin of Irrelevancy. In the end, people want me alone. Alone from them; alone from their lives. I am too dysfunctional, and I gave up on the desire to be loved by anyone other than my spoiled cat.
Perhaps I indeed became mechanized in a way; someone who finds it difficult to comprehend human emotions. I sometimes wonder, was this intended by myself all along, if solitude was my chosen path in life?
When the "Shadows Lady" Seph was repulsed by my words and wanted me out of the picture, was it because I am no longer as emotional by things? Even if it keeps people away from me, I guess that's a good thing.
The path to peace, for the sensitive, appear to be paved with sacrifices. Some people may advocate for sensitivity because it enhances one's social and emotional understanding of both oneself and others.
While this is true, it comes with the price of greater suffering, as sensitivity means greater vulnerability; in fact, sensitivity IS vulnerability, and yet some of those who suffer under their own sensitivity, do not see the fault in this weakness, like I do with my own.
Why, therefore, understand something from a more emotional standpoint when you can do so both through logic and with little harm made to oneself? Why risk oneself just for something that can be acquired through a different means, risk-free?
I'm glad to be usually masculine not because I view it as superior to femininity, which I don't, but because life becomes easier when you are more cool-headed.
Masculinity is often seen as "toxic" because it puts cool-headed behaviour over being dramatic, the latter of which is not always done for the sake of drama. If you say to someone, "stop being dramatic", you can't rationally expect them to relax as a result.
That's the problem on the other side of this spectrum in masculinity – that you are expected to be cool-headed, even at the price of being true with your thoughts and feelings. Thus, those who seek greater behavioural freedom will find it better in their feminine side.
It's pretty much a personal preference when it comes to femininity and masculinity. Each has its advantages and disadvantages, as those mentioned before. Nonetheless, either side should be forced on someone just because it is desired. Men should be allowed to act feminine as women should be allowed to be masculine. The opposite should be allowed as well, as traditionally expected.
Ah, if I only got the chance to be laid out for the rest of my life, as associated with masculinity, I would choose so without hesitation.