How and Why I (Formerly) Gave Up On Love
Updated: Mar 10
(2023 Note: Revamped and updated. Hence why there are significant changes, including to the title itself).
After years of abstinence, where I voluntarily gave up on the "golden" parts of teenagehood and, from now on, young adulthood as well, it seems that I managed to actually tear apart my long-felt crave for romantic love and comfort. I did this not because I am afraid of love, but because I really see it as something that limits our freedom and confines us to a specific person and to our relations with that person.
You might be wondering why someone would do that, why would someone choose by free will to give up on something that largely appears to be a central part of human life. Here, I will attempt to answer this question - how and why I gave up on love.
2020 was a year of both physical and mental isolation, forced by a lockdown that managed to collapse the entire world. Thinking about that year, I've realized that it didn't really affect my functioning and way of life, as I am already a man who isolates himself from both physical, social, and romantic contact.
I have always been a bit of a loner, and I have always found it difficult to connect with people on a deep level. I am not sure why this is, but I think it may have something to do with my upbringing. I was raised in a very strict household, and I was never really allowed to express myself freely. This may have led to me developing a fear of intimacy, and a belief that I am not good enough for anyone.
Whatever the reason, I have always been content with my solitary existence. I have my own hobbies and interests, and I am perfectly happy spending time by myself. I do not feel lonely or isolated, and I do not feel the need to be in a relationship.
I know that some people may find this strange, but it is simply the way I am. I am not afraid of love, but I do not see it as something that is essential for my happiness. I am content with my life as it is, and I do not see any reason to change it.
Or at least was, for the most part.
Seeing other people online craving to get back to the way things were, to be able to hug, kiss, date, and make love, appears very alien to me because that desire for intimate contact no longer exists within me... Even though it sure did, like a decade ago, it decreased significantly afterwards.
It feels strange when I'm comparing myself with others on the regard of physical intimacy, because it's as if I too am supposed to desire it. However, as long as I have something to do in the time I have, said intimacy is far, far from important to me. I'm not talking necessarily about sex but about even glimpses of affection. It appears I no longer have a desire, let alone need, to love and to be loved.
Therefore, it seems that my initial theory about solitude was correct. Humans (at least some, in this case), as adaptable animals, can adapt so well into an environment to the extent of even being able to overcome things we see as fundamental to human life, such as the quest for a partner to be your companion and to provide for your needs. At least some, can, like Beethoven and Issac Newton, who died alone?
We are told by society that we are social and even romantic animals, and that it is not good to be alone. And yet, I spent most of my time in solitude, to the point I've even disabled commenting on my content at Quora, and talk to people only a few minutes a day and nothing more. I wonder if I managed to actually overcome the social nature embedded in humans.
I don't know if anyone can overcome their inherit social nature (assuming everyone have it inherited), but I believe I know that, if you manage to be alone for long periods of time, even if you are by nature an extroverted person, then you too can have a chance at converting your nature to that of a more solitary one.
As said before, it's like literarily tearing apart the social aspects of yourself. For example, back when I seen more people on a regular basis, I indeed was more talkative and had a bigger desire to socialize and to see these people. But when the frame under which we were meeting disappeared, the "need" to socialize was indeed merely a desire to pass the time, something that can be done nonetheless with all modern conveniences.
And yet, an important question that has been left unanswered is, why would anyone choose solitude over the company of another, let alone, become more solitary-by-nature? What is there in solitude that does not exist in socializing? I can at least answer from my own perspective, that the outside world isn't as rewarding and gratifying to most as it is to few, including me.
I can even confess, that most of my suffering throughout life was a product of interacting with others, familiar as strangers, and that solitude was far more comforting, rewarding, and benefitting for me than society has ever been. In the recent year I even moved to live on my own and I confess that the life in the countryside is far more relaxing than it was in the city, where there were far more opportunities for me, along with contacts, even before the COVID lockdown.
However, I don't choose solitude over society because of gratification alone. Becoming somewhat of a hermit had given me the absence of distractions I needed to become far more productive as a writer, as some of you may already tell. Writing, while a form of communication, is a very, very solitary activity, requiring both focus and as much minimal distractions as possible. Even in my life at school, I needed much privacy to just be able to focus, whether it was homework or the books I was working on.
I hope that you can better tell why I prefer solitude over company, and why I am relatively happy when I realize my social nature has been significantly diminished in favor of a more solitary one. Whether those were bullies, trolls, or just people who didn't understand my condition, the External World treated me quite poorly, and while not everyone were like that, the influence of the former was significant. You may claim that I see the world in a darker shade, when in reality I simply tell what I feel and think, without necessarily biasing it to match my narrative.
Realizing that my former suffering was significantly decreased when I was alone, I am confident when I say that I do not like people in general, and hence why I prefer giving up on my social nature, along with the things that come with it, such as affectionate physical contact that many in this world find to be missing in their lives. I can and am a nice and polite person, but that doesn't have to contradict what I just said.
I believe that, based on my example, you too can become more free by practicing solitude, and it even can make you more independent, even from the basic level of the desire to socialize and even from the desire to be in love. The only reason I am open-minded to the possibility of being in a relationship is because I have never been in one, and wish for further evidence in my contemplations, along with more credibility. Other than that, I don't really see it as a basic need like I used to.
And this is how, and why, I gave up on love.
...................
But no more.
After nine years, I am back. Back and willing more than ever.
Willing, more than ever, to get the woman I think I deserve. Whoever you will be. I am more of a romanticist than any of you might think. I simply repress it, as I do many things. As I wrote before, only I know myself, for only I have been in my subconciousness.
And likewise, my former love-of-my-life will pay. Pay.
