A Rectifier's Despair

(Background music)

(Philosocom's Subcategory Directory on Despair and Surrender)

I look at the massive world and its problems and I realize that no amount of rectification I do will ever be able to fully fix a broken realm. I feel a deep sense of despair when I think of world rectification at this point, and also powerlessness, and yet I go on, do my daily tasks and rest, knowing my quest to heal this broken world will never be possible. No matter how much I will invest in this mission, the world will remain a broken place; a place of immense suffering that might as well never be fully reduced.

Yet I go on in my futile quest because I know it is the right thing; fixing a broken world is the right thing to do. And, if no one else wants to do it, I will at least do my small part in it, creating a localized utopia for me and my followers to prosper in.

My role in rectifying this sick world is likely to always be small. I cannot bring world peace. I cannot cure diseases. I may have saved lives, but doing so caused me PTSD and I don't want to save again.

Many in my stead would've given up a long time ago, yet I choose to persist in this futile attempt because it is what makes me happy. Different things cause different people to be happy, and in my case it is world rectification. At least I know what makes me happy, and at least I can do my small part in it.

Even after years of contributing to the world, I cannot change its spiralling trajectory it goes to. It really seems to be going downhill, and no amount of my good deeds will ever be able to save it from its deteriorating entropy and increasing friction and imbalance.

This Rectifier's Despair follows me often to bed. I often go to bed feeling despair, and I often wake up feeling despair. I want to rectify this world so bad, and yet I am aware of my limitations. I may be just one man, but I already did a massive ton of work for this world that might as well never be recognized. People might not believe that I saved lives, and all my help to the many who contributed and contribute to this site might never be known or validated, even if known.

I see no choice but to endure this despair, and not let it bring me down, despite seeing the worsening state of the planet. My desire for peace prevents me from expanding my virtual kingdom to newer ventures, and all I want is to help fix a broken world while I am left in my peaceful solitude. I don't want conflict with anyone. I just want to help through the site, despite knowing that no amount of help will be able to fully bring Paradise Incarnate upon this twisted realm.

I take my solace in reflecting into the past and reminiscing of all the massive amount of good I did when I had the opportunity to do so. Of helping people and saving lives through this site. It might've gone unrewarded, but it was deeply satisfying. It seems my brain is hardwired towards the gratification that comes from help. While I might feel despair knowing that my work will never heal this broken world, at least I take solace in being deeply gratified from committing this grand, Sisyphean task. I don't need to imagine Sisyphus happy because I already feel happy doing this task.

However, the despair I often feel, alongside the happiness, is deep and profound. Had it not made me happy, I would've given in to the despair a long time ago. The remaining few I help are lucky that it makes me happy, otherwise I wouldn't help them at all.

I see no signs of this deep despair passing away any time soon. All I can do is to endure it while let it increase my awareness about the futility of my happy quest.

Ultimately, this world is beyond repair, and I can only repair the parts that are within my reach, over and over again, until my inevitable demise. It is a constant maintenance work, that is prone to the inevitability of entropy. Yet I fix these parts again and again, comforting in the gratification it gives me.

In a better world I would've been able to save so much more people and help many more. In a better world the reward would've been bigger than my mere happiness. Yet we're not living in a better world, let alone Paradise Incarnate. We live in a cold, harsh world, where boundless good gets exploited and sucked on, where injustice thrives, where suffering is common and where detachment from this reality is what rational, logical people do for their own sanity.

The easy option is to give up. Yet, there is so much to rectify, I might never run out of problems to suggest solutions to. Yet, even if I gave it my all for the reminder of my lifespan, there will still be new things to rectify, popping out of the ground in place of the things that got rectified, like an ever-growing jungle.

All I can do is to take comfort and gratitude in the things I have and did, and march forward into oblivion.