The Rubinshteinic Queries to the World
Updated: Feb 22
INTRODUCTION:
Most of my life, I have suffered at the hands of others. Mainly from their screams, but not exclusively. Until 2012, I was either harassed or bullied by others or simply suffered from their indirect yells (as I do to this very day).
At the age of 10, I was suddenly hit with a metallic ball at my spine by another kid, who got a police record in his name. From 2013 until 2020, I had problems with neighbors that forced me to move 2 apartments, all because they failed -- or refused -- to understand the fact that I'm very sensitive to noise.
And ever since 2017, I have been harassed online by various people who might not care for my disabilities, and their consequences for my mental health.
In 2011, I was threatened with being killed with a knife because the thug thought I was choking my dog. As a kid, I was dragged out of the car forcibly by a family member I'm no longer in contact with, because I had no choice but to enjoy a vacation I did not want to enjoy. And one time she even trapped me in her car, even though the air inside did not suffice and I was choking. Could've died there.
She told me she done nothing wrong.
Around 7 or 8 years of my life, I was obsessive with certain, two gals who did not care for me at all, and one of them even treated me coldly, both when we were in school and in 2021, which is about to end as of writing this piece.
During my time in school, I had an authoritarian teacher who used to tell me to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, even though her job was to educate students to get used to the "real world". The democratic, pluralistic country we live in -- the irony.
Furthermore, I got lynched online for not understanding something basic due to my autism. Even at kindergarten, a girl decided to scream right into my ear, until I defended myself as an instinct from her vocal assault. Finally, during random moments of my lifetime, I was also sexually harassed by strangers. One of them was a girl.
I'm not afraid to reveal all of this, as I didn't do anything to anyone. Anything other than suffering, screaming and sometimes crying. From all the crying, I've began losing that very ability, as if I'm running out of tears. Still, I had nothing bad to hide, as I was taught, with much anxiety, to be as good as I could, or else I become a failure.
An irrelevant failure.
QUERIES:
Due to all of these traumatizing events, I have learned to answer the following questions, in which I call -- the Rubinshteinic Queries. Questions that were made out of my abuse by those who are either unaware of themselves, or too apathetic to care for their impact on me:
1. If the world cares not for you, why would you care for the world? Why would you care for people who won't care if you die? I'm talking not only about antagonists but also about strangers.
The strangers have no obligation to care for you, and might hurt you mentally if they see fit, and yet you, in a civilized society, are expected to behave yourself.
So much effort to be "normal", wasted on those who do not care for you at all. What is this hypocrisy? As long as the law is not broken, and no harm is done, why should one care for a society that won't bother to even consider the probability that you're disabled, let alone, sensitive?
After all, people do not care for the sensitive, unless they have experience with them, or are sensitive themselves. Living in such a careless world of apathetic strangers, I see no obligation to consider doing things that are eccentric but harmless for anyone, other than the norms of the world.
If I want to go for a walk with a tie, I won't hesitate to do so, and if I want to wear my Japanese WWII hat I received as a gift, I do not mind wearing it as well. Where is the fallacy in that, other than the harm that was meant for social codes that care not for the individual, but for the collective as a whole? A collective that, as I mentioned, will not care if you suffer, or if you die by whatever means? It's one-sideness.
2. Why is harassment is still accpetable? Harassment leads to suffering, suffering hurts your mental health, and poor mental health could lead to unfortunate circumstances, such as trauma, getting another disorder, hospitalization, and even suicide.
And yet, people believe that there is no fault in it. You're allowed, by right, to express yourself, with no obligation to regard the victim you're harassing. After all, you're doing it in public, whether in a physical place or on a public website or forum.
So what if you suffer? So what if you might kill yourself, if you happen to be very suicidal (not me, necessarily)? It's not something that can necessarily be prevented effectively, because even if you disable commenting everywhere, you'll also cut off communication with people who do care for you.
How far does someone need to go, online and offline, in order to be at peace with the world, so the world won't bother them anymore with bullying, harassment, and the like? With activities that result from democratic rights?
Why do people think that freedom of expression gives them the legitimacy to deteriorate others' mental health, if not make them kill themselves, if they're even more apathetic to the well-being of their victims? If harassment brings much harm, why is it still considered okay to practice it, whether or not the time and place are public or private?
3. Why is sensitivity frowned upon? I can at least speak for myself when I say that I was probably born sensitive, as were some of my ancestors. Terms such as "snowflakes" are wrong, not only because they belittle sensitive people, but also because not all people can just "toughen up" and become less sensitive.
Furthermore, it isn't like all of us value our own sensitivity. For example, I used to not feel safe when I don't have earphones equipped because I'm extremely sensitive to sound. I never chose to be sensitive, and if I was given a possibility where I could be less sensitive to sound, I'd take it right away, instead of, you know, physically isolating myself from the world just to be at peace.
I've had to sacrifice my own city, where I've lived for the majority of my life thus far, just to change my chances elsewhere, on the other side of the country. All because I'm sensitive to noise and, worst of all, to yelling.
Most yells were not directed at me, but the few that were terrorized my mentality, making me feel abused and terrified of the possibility that I had done something wrong, which I did not. And I don't intend to do so at all. Life as a sensitive is not easy, so why does my condition have to be either frowned upon or belittled?
And finally,
4. Why the lack of intention is sufficient to justify an act? It is said that, the end justifies the means. However, when the end has been already reached, why is it enough to say that you didn't have any intention, reaching it? After all, you reached it. You done it. You traumatized.
If you bully, harass, or even traumatize someone, why is it enough to say you didn't to do it? It shouldn't suffice. What if you do it again, and apologize once more? Indefinately?
What value is there to apologizing, if the undesired act is not cut off, permanently? Apologies are to show that you recognize that you've made a mistake, and that you won't do it again. Doing the same actions overcomes the efficiency of any amount of apologizing. It makes the apology nothing more than an act of politeness.
Not learning from your mistakes, after acknolwedging your mistakes, is pathetic.
CONCLUSION:
Because of all of this, although I'm not a misanthrope, I'm not fond of exiting my hermitage. I am sick and tired of being either hurt, abused, or alienated by those for whom I have good intentions for. It is lucky to be born in the age of computers. That allows me to be safe from a world that will not care for my death, because I am a stranger to them.
This age allows me to build the empire you're currently in. With this computer, I survive and thrive regardless of the mental scars I've been inflicted upon by uncaring, unaware people, because even the "lesser" parts of civilization, have a right to speak and sound their thoughts to the world! To inspire, to give insight, and to contribute.
And now, to provide.
(2023 Note: This article was originally written under the premise that sensitivity cannot be decreased. Fortunately, that premise was proven incorrect).
