Life As a Coffee Addict

NOTE: I don't mind being disagreed with on the premise that I'm a coffee addict. It's your choice of perception. It also means, that your choice of perception isn't mine, and that I am not responsible for it in any way. Likewise, my standpoint should not offend anyone.

NOTE 2: As someone whose brain is neurodivergent, coffee actually calms my nerves. I drink it to relax.

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In my monotonous and semi-isolated existence, it is coffee that brings me true joy; a sensation that reminds me that I'm actually being alive and not just living, if that makes sense. Being addicted to coffee made me realize this distinction: living and being alive are not always synonymous.

Anyone who can breathe is technically alive, as are those whose hearts continue to beat. When it comes to "living," however, it is more of an action than a state of being. It is something that I had little of throughout my life, for I am mostly dead inside.

I've never been to a nightclub or a bar. These are not things I take pride in any longer, but instead these are things that I simply recognize as facts, like the fact that, if it weren't for my writings, I would've been a sore, irrelevant loser.

Because of that realization, I no longer drink coffee just to be more awake; I drink coffee to feel that I'm living and not just being alive. I am at least glad that I am not addicted to more dangerous stuff that could kill you, such as smoking or alcohol. It's the second only thing that makes me feel alive. Nothing else.

Did you know that coffee does not kill unless you drink around 80-100 drinks in a row? Therefore, coffee is probably the least bad of all/most addictions. Either way, caffeine is a drug. And I consume this drug to alter my monotonous experience as a recluse, working on this site for days on end.

However, as with all addictions, comes the price of dependency, of not being able to live without the provider of addiction without suffering a lot. I don't know if I will ever get rid of my drinking habit, the same as with the pills I take every day and night.

Coffee has pretty much become a hobby rather than something I use to feel less tired. I can drink it anywhere and anytime, even before I go to sleep; it seems that the influence, the function, was greatly lost a long time ago.

I once dreamed of a fantasy -- to live without any addictions whatsoever. That includes video games, the internet, and yes, coffee. I used to connect the absence of addiction with what I used to describe as "independence," which comes from the ascetic life.

However, as I grew up, I realized that life without addictions is quite boring, and boredom is something that could lead to depression. It was the same depression I felt during National Service; a time when very little satisfied my small need to feel alive and not just a ghost inside a monotonous machine (I worked in a boring office).

Nowadays, not even philosophizing brings me the same joy as drinking; of something that feels as rewarding as publishing another article. If this addiction were productive in any way, then I might have given up philosophizing completely.

However, this addiction is something that rewards only me and the grocery store, of course. I don't even have a coffee machine; I just put in boiling water and the beans.

Since I live ascetically, I can afford to buy better coffee than the average person in my country drinks, which is, admittedly, quite disgusting. I am thankful for the fact that I manage to live cheaply in an expensive country. That lets me afford the finer things in life using my own money alone. This is not bragging but, rather, gratitude for the decisions I made throughout my life.