Why I Dislike the World

One of the main reasons of which people have been disagreeing with my philosophical ideology over the years, was because much of it, even before my presence online, was primarily based on my own personal experience with the world. In other words the roots to the philosophy I present to the world has first came from a personal bias towards the way I experience the world around me; a way of which I'd like to record and share with you in this article.

Hence why I shall introduce a different aspect of myself I have yet to publicly write about it thus far, mostly because I was only significantly aware of it in the recent months when contemplating about my difficulty going through life like a "normal" person would. While people that are on the high-functioning areas of the autistic spectrum like I am are officially classified as disabled, I am in fact considered double-disabled, due to my anxiety disorder of which I feel no shame in admitting that I have, and even though it is considered a form of mental illness, I do not consider myself as mentally ill but simply as a very anxious person, which is the way I prefer to be defined.

I have finished national service a year and a half ago when I was more anxious than usual, as the service as given me a negative toll on my wellbeing due to the nature of the job, which later made me realize that a menial job isn't for me. Hoping to find a job afterwards through the legitimate assistance of the state, I referred myself to it in hope that they'll help me find a job as a writer. However, more than a year has passed in frustrating unemployment because of the fact I am classified as a double-disabled person, and since each disability is taken care of by different ministries, neither of them actually wanted to help me find a job by themselves, as they did not want to be responsible for something they are not specialized enough in.

And indeed, although I run a site and a large community on Quora called the Museum of Wisdom, I did not manage finding the job I've been waiting for, for a year, even though only recently I was applied for the cooperation of the two ministries to try and help me out (never mind that the COVID19 plague is delaying it since the entire country is practically on lockdown).

Anyways, I wrote all of this introduction in order to present to you a simple, personal fact I hold unwillingly, and that fact is that I dislike the world. Perhaps if I wasn't a double-disabled person, I would even love the world, but because I allegedly ought to suffer because of how I am received by the world (in general, not entirely) for being inheritably weird and anxious, I have come to develop a philosophy that combines monasticism with individualism, because from at least in my own point of view, the world at large is hostile, cold and intolerant, making, from that narrative, a more preferable option to just live life in a semi-isolated manner, because much of the toxicity of the External World isn't worth the agony and the frustration of the eccentric, peace-seeking individual.

But you might reply, that the world is not hostile, cold and intolerant; that life at large are beautiful and pleasant. While I am aware and recognize the other, more common narrative towards life, we can conclude from this issue, that much of how we perceive life and the world, largely depends on our personal, inherit bias, and of how that bias is influenced by the ways we are received by the world beyond us. In other words, it is definitely arguable that we often tend to not distinguish between the World Beyond the Mind, and between our own subjective bias, caused by our experience, whether or not that experience is shared with others or remains uncommon.

To further advocate the point of how powerful is our personal bias, I'd like to introduce you to the questions I constantly ask myself every day; questions you might find odd because they might be absurd to you:

* How can I be safe from anxiety?

* Will I find serenity today?

* Will my sensitivity won't stand in my way?

* Will others won't cause me to panic?

These four questions are frequently asked by myself in my mind because of my double-disabilities; questions those who do not suffer from either anxiety or autism might not ask themselves (autism -- because autistic people suffer from sensory overload). It is also important to mention that autistic people are likelier to suffer from wellbeing problems than "regular" people.

Imagine yourself living in a constant state of tiring alertness due to audio and due to simple words people can throw at you at any given time, either online or offline; Imagine having to seclude yourself just to find happiness where happiness is usually found in the External World and not in a self-enforced, partial isolation; Imagine job recruiters rejecting your job application because your disability could cause problems in the workplace, which then would reduce your possibility to be a part of the workforce, doing a job that hopefully will not reduce the wholeness of your wellbeing.

This is how I am forced to live, and this is why I dislike the world at large; I dislike the world for its imprudent ability to break my serenity in an instant by either an uneasy auditory wave or by an insult or by an antagonistic attitude. Of course those of you who are not sensitive to sound or to antagonism are likelier than people like myself to find the world a more accepting, more secure place, and I can understand that perfectly, I believe, even if not empirically.

Nonetheless, because you don't have to suffer from basic elements in the world I and a lot of other disabled people have to suffer from, then as of writing and publishing this article, I stand genuine in the claim that I dislike the world. But although I dislike the world, I do not dislike life, as I know no better alternative to life beyond what I call the "Undead Metaphor", AKA, beyond living life in partial-isolation as an attempt to reach an optimal, long-term state of serenity

I enjoy drinking 2 or 3 cups of coffee each day while my cat accompanies me whenever I go. I enjoy listening to whatever music I like listening to as of the moment. I enjoy conversations with my parents, writing articles, and generally-speaking, aside of my auditory/verbal anxieties, I am glad to be alive. But as long as the External World threatens my wellbeing, even if such threat is way-beneath any part of intentionality whatsoever, I still believe I have a good reason, to dislike the world and to instead focus on my quest for a calmer, safer-feeling mind.

And I shall end this article with a simple insight: none of us can actually change the world, and because of that, I prefer to leave the larger, quote-on-quote "mainstream" world and its culture behind me, for I belong in the shadows of inherit eccentricity, and in no way to defeatism, as I have yet to give up on my quest for long-term serenity.

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© 2019 Tomasio A. Rubinshtein, Philosopher