The Tenth Year Reflection
Updated: Aug 10
Another thing came to mind. Next year will be a10th year of friendship with a woman named H. and I.. for some absurd reason.
I asked her why she still present in my life; Replied that we're friends. I don't know what it means, as stupid as it may sound.
Why am I worthy of friends? All my friends left me, leaving me with what I prefer more --- readers and supporters. I consider no one a friend of mine... Not after being disconnected so abruptly by Chen on February 14, 2014. She chose a painful date to end our friendship. She didn't seem to realize the influence of her actions, when she chose that day.
Friends came and went, but for some reason, Ms. H. stayed and even returned to my life after school ended. We met in 2018 and ate at a restaurant. To this day she has a boyfriend, so romance isn't an option.
I don't know why people would want to be my friends. After all... I am irrelevant, am I not? I am not even sure why I picked the interest of people worldwide. She said so herself, Chen... is she right? I don't know anymore.
I am but a hikikomori (shut-in) with a desire to share my thoughts as a justification for my solitary, fatigued existence. Other than that, I only live so people won't mourn my absence, and because I don't know what ends on the other side. Being shown human affection... is too painful a memory.
Respect lacks that pain of which I tried to deny. Therefore, this sickening logic dictates, that the aim for respect, gets the higher priority, for it is less painful, and thus, less depressing.
I don't know why I am of great interest to you, ???, and to the guy who considers himself to be my "henchman/helper", and to a podcaster, and let alone, to a former government higher-up, and so on. It is, actually, a bit overwhelming, when I realize that there are actual people behind the numbers I see on my analytics screen.
I guess I just would prefer respect over affection with anyone who a cat isn't. Affection... is too hard for me to digest, after being left alone and ignored, for SHOWING affection...
A probable defence mechanism, for something I taught myself to repulse and reject, like Chen repulsed and rejected me... All because of emotion. Don't we learn from those who inflict on us? Perhaps, that is how tradition is made, whether positive or toxic.
Perhaps I will lose Ms. H. too, even as a friend. I mean, what else is to be expected, given the growing emptiness of company throughout my life? Nothing is certain, but the attempt to try to understand the future, by digging into the past, for a false sense of certainty, to make oneself, feel more secure.
Emotional attachment... what for? I may be capable to endure the constant pain of chronic fatigue, of anxiety, of thirst for coffee to soothe my nerves... But affection from other human beings, only few give it certainly, eternally, and thus, truly securely. Perhaps a parental figure, a very close sibling; a child yours...
...Who will chase you for the rest of their lives if required? Very few, most likely, at least in my case. If I am to ever feel like I have a special bond of love with someone, I guess I'll try to chase them as long as they'll accept me, for the rest of my life.
This isn't just for devotion. This is... to eliminate, as many uncertainties as possible, in a universe where things are formed and deformed by chance, and not necessarily, by cosmic design, and let alone, by "soulmates".