The Sin of Good

Philosophical examination is also very frustrating to most, as it often appears that there is no conclusion to the many ramblings philosophers make. Since it can be very tiring, some people may fall into the fallacy that tiring complexity is worthless, and therefore, philosophy is worthless.

However, let us not delude ourselves away from the fact that existence itself is complex, and not only in the field of philosophy. The brain, for example, is extremely complicated, yet it's one of the most functional organs in the body. Thus, complexity alone is insufficient to conclude worthlessness.

Thus, since existence is complex and since we are a part of it, un-examination might not be as unworthy as Socrates has argued, but at least we can rest assured that examining our lives, our role within it, and our current situation can still greatly contribute to our lives.

Whether you're looking for a job, a partner in life, or a vision to pursue, examining your life can assist you in finding the life you wish to live. Ultimately, the examination of life lies in this: in acquiring more self-knowledge, something that cannot be acquired through physics, biology, and so on. Perhaps not even by psychology exclusively.

It is hard to breathe, even though the window is open and the air is fresh. I attempt to inhale and exhale, but my chest feels too heavy to allow it. I can write this post, but I do so while trying to ignore this unjust burden. I can feel it spreading across my torso, holding a firm grip on my rib cage. Feeling so intense, I sometimes wonder, why do I deserve such a disability?

Those who are theists may tell you that there is fairness in the world. Divine judgment, karma, and the like. But then I see people who are born with unfortunate conditions, whose only "sin" was to be born into this world, suffer as the privileged prosper regardless of their morality. Observing them, I am inclined to believe that universal justice is a delusion, at least in this reality.

I rarely did anything wrong in this existence; the thought of it had been filling me with great anxiety since elementary school. To be the condemned, the one at fault, is something I am afraid to be, since as long as I drive for good, I should be protected from it. Right?

All of these contemplations cannot help. This condition might well be defeated only by death. I guess my "sin" was being too stressed to get things done. How do I know that? Search online, ask a psychologist -- there is no cure for this obscure syndrome.

Look at what my anxious devotion had led me to have. All these years of fear had made me a chronically stressed person. It is abnormal, and yet, some people's great stress is my usual mood, even when relaxed.

I indeed feel as if I have no mouth, and I must scream. My own desire for good had made me a frequently paralyzed man. To excel, to avoid failure, to keep myself in line -- in the end, society truly did not know what they were talking about when they demanded their rising generations to behave, to be disciplined, and to feel bad when the undesired had been done.

Perhaps it is indeed a "sin", to make being good your utmost priority. The devotion will eventually ill some people's minds -- especially the sensitive ones. And all for what, for a good grade, a word of praise? What's it all good for when it makes you anxious? What is the point of praising when it's like praising anxiety? Why is good work good when the worker suffers along the way, regardless of whether it's mentioned?

It is not that I can reverse the whole thing. The past is forever gone, and the present is eternal. I can end it all if I so desire, as exhaustion's pain is truly insufferable, but all I choose to do is take pride in this feeling, as I know that not everyone can endure such pain for long.

I am cursed by my own desire for good and by my own fear of maliciousness. Thus, I have sinned by giving too much care to those who are not eager for their own competency, in the brutish, uncaring embrace of society. That is what few get from caring too much.

Zero tolerance for the intolerant; zero appeal to those who won't hesitate to make you scream if desired; zero loyalty to those who see you as disposable. That is the key to avoiding all of this.

A post-exhaustion insight: It is okay to be at fault, to make mistakes, and to be imperfect. It is only necessary to avoid the toxicity of perfectionism. Those who will despise or at least disapprove of you for doing so. It is better to receive negativity from them and be relaxed than to be utterly applauded while having much anxiety in your mind.