top of page

The Attraction Gamble

In this article, I would like to address one of humanity's most cliché premises that is considered "deep" by some. The "sphere" that is the inside that matters in a human, and not their external appearance.

Truth be told, the way one looks and behaves is basically a representation of the genes they could transfer to their descendants. Then, it would only be natural to assume that those who are prettier than others are likelier to succeed in the world of dating. Also in establishing a new family, probably.

This is the evolutionary motive for why we seek beauty in our partners. To increase the chance that they will provide us (and vice versa), with the possibility of passing down our genes as far as possible, into the future.

However, the problem with physical beauty is that it does not really serve as an actual indication of good genes. That kind of beauty only represents a specific layer -- the visual layer -- and nothing more, if at all.

In other words, the fact that you are attracted to someone who looks healthy, fit, successful and so on, does not mean that your children (if you'll have them with him/her) will be just the same. The reason behind that is that there are other layers that remain unseen beyond the "mask" of attraction. It makes the impression of attraction, somewhat false, if not completely false.

Allow me to use myself as an example once more. During the times before I became a semi-hermit, I was considered relatively pretty and attractive. I did not attract a lot of women or anything, but some of them made contact with me, including the one I see as the "over-reaching antagonist" of my life. If I wasn't relatively attractive, perhaps I wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to know her at all. My life would've come to a different "fate".

But that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm trying to say is, that if I ever manage to attract a woman and have kids with her, our offspring will have a psychological disorder. Not only because I have it, but because I am a third generation minimum to such a thing.

You see it in my face, in my body, or in my behavior. If I will ever have a family, I'll need to prepare to the possibility my children, if not all of them, will end suffering due to one disorder or another, if not multiple ones. What has caused this unfortunate heritage, you might ask?

You can take from my example the fact that not all that is seen as golden is worth it. An attractive person does not mean a good provider, a good parent, or even a good person in general. Appearance is an imperative part of our evaluation of someone, at least initially. Ultimately it is, indeed, a very shallow source of information we can have on said person.

Once this insight is internalized, literally anyone you see around you as a possible partner, could be compatible regardless of their physical appearance, simply because said appearance says little about not only the personality but about the genes as well. People with autism, for example, can be as pretty as they can be ugly. There is no distinct face to autism, just as there is no distinct face to many disorders, or any other stuff that is not seen with your very own eyes.

Why, then, judge someone by whether you're attracted to them or not, beyond the basic premise of admiring their beauty? This is why, obviously, you must spend time with them in order to get to know them better, but even then, their initial behavior isn't sufficient to get to know them to the desired extent. Thus, you need to meet them multiple times on multiple occasions, until you have a clear image of how they are and whether or not you are both compatible.

The disadvantage of all of this is that there are no "free trials" in the field of marriage. It's whether you get married, stay in a relationship, or break up eventually. Because of that, there is no prior experience with the person you want as your husband or wife. Due to this liability, I believe, some marriages don't last as long as some had expected. You did not see yourselves as a married couple! Unless you did, of course, but didn't consider the negative possibilities, equally.

The attraction I'm talking about isn't just the first time you lay eyes on the desired person. It could be, in fact, on every level of your relationship with them. It all comes down to the possibility, that your good impression of them, might as well be a delusion you play on yourself without even knowing it. In other words, there is no certainty in love, no matter how sure you are that both of you are compatible and are attracted to one another.

There is no solution to the falsehood of attraction because we can't know for certain the person's genetic makeup. They themselves might not know as well. You can't know whether you'll be a good partner, a good husband/wife, a good parent to your kids, and so on. The same can be applied to your partner. All you have to do is take the chance and see if you have won the bet. The person in question could be abusive, cold, or even violent. You don't know until you try! And the deeper you go, the more you should ask yourself, whether or not you should've in the first place.

A few of my ancestors should not have been married, and yet they were, because they took this very bet we're talking about now. It's the same bet we all take if we wish to get romantically engaged with a person. Every person you're attracted to, and can initiate intimacy with, is a gamble. You don't know, usually, if it's a good bet or a grave loss. I suppose honesty can help a lot in this. Unless the other person does not appreciate honesty.

46 views0 comments

Tomasio A. Rubinshtein, Philosocom's Founder & Writer

I am a philosopher from Israel, author of several books in 2 languages, and Quora's Top Writer of the year 2018. I'm also a semi-hermit who has decided to dedicate his life to writing and sharing my articles across the globe. Several podcasts on me, as well as a radio interview, have been made since my career as a writer. More information about me can be found here.

צילום מסך 2023-09-14 194035.png
bottom of page