I lived most of my life thus far without seeing my disabilities as such because I was almost always being treated as if they were just difficulties, not something of greater value. Whenever I was mistreated because of them, mostly because of ignorance, I couldn’t connect the accusations I received to said disabilities, simply because I couldn’t have known any better, until I learned to fully accept that my disabilities, even if are not significantly shown, are still there, limiting me permanently from living a “normal” life.
Every so often I wonder if I’d be able to continuously hold a steady job, an attempt which has already failed before, in National Service. I don’t want to get into the details, but they got to do with those disabilities, and that failure has quite scarred me, metaphorically, of course.
I’m not a people person. I dislike the world — not hate it — because I am aware that I am always under the potential of threat from other people mistreating me like they did throughout my life. I despise this risk, but I cannot do anything about it but to accept it and try to live life as best as my disabilities allow me, while I also in a journey for serenity; ambitions which often clash with one another.
After fully realizing that I am a disabled man — a doubled-disabled, to be specific — I did nothing but continue to live my life as it is. The only exception is nowadays I am more prudent in my approach to the External World, as I am more than ever aware of the risk I just talked about.
I suffer from anxious thoughts. I imagine the people I received hatred from in the form of their words — all for just expressing myself on the internet. Whenever I receive a notification and I see it’s a comment, I am more alert than usual, to prepare for a potential, unwanted strike from the World, for once more expressing myself like any other human being. If I do receive hate mail, I just block the person; no point fighting fire with fire when you can block it with water.
I just want to be left alone in a state where my anxiety disorder won’t threat my quest for serenity, but at the same time, I want to make money, be a more successful writer/philosopher on the financial aspect, so I could reach a state where I won’t need to risk my serenity-seeking lifestyle to the harm of the oblivious, insensitive world beyond my walls, by trying taking a job that won’t suit my special needs. I want to earn money like any other human being that has been productive in their lives, and I do hope to try doing so in the future.
Do you feel the urge for mocking me for simply and genuinely expressing myself on the internet, you know, probably the most free space in existence in terms of communication and expression? Read this before commenting and leave me alone. Why picking on the disabled for behaving in a disabled manner? Would you condemn someone with a wheelchair for being too lazy to climb the stairs? Then don’t condemn me for condensending for merely expressing myself as best as I can. Just as the person on the wheelchair can’t climb the stairs, I cannot understand how to communicate properly on a constant basis! I do not know independently how I am perceived! I don’t respond well to stress and to antagonism! I don’t know how to climb the stairs of interpersonal communication, don’t condemn me for trying to find an elevator to lift me up like the disabled man I am!
I am Tomasio Rubinshtein, a man whose brain has 2 inherit disabilities, and I want to get as much peace and harmony with the world, in exchange for the world to tolerate me as a disabled man, even if my disabilities are not as visually obvious as the more, allegedly, “orthodox” disabilities, such as physical disabilities which are clearly seen.
I now feel better, after further realizing the price I need to pay for the hand I have been dealt. After the COVID19 lockdown will end, I will be looking forward to limit myself even further from the World, just as I do now, and contrary to before the virus’ outbreak. Realizing how much I managed to adapt to the limitations of said lockdown, I’ll try to preserve said limitations, as if the lockdown have never occured at all.
Perhaps you too should consider thinking on your lives after the end of the COVID lockdown, what you can change in in it and what should you try to preserve, since different people have different priorities. In Hebrew we call this process "Heshbon Nefesh" or "mental consideration". It's where you dedicate time thinking and analyzing your life and wondering what you should do with it in the upcoming future. Assuming the possibility of a cure to this pandemic, perhaps we should dedicate some of the time we were given by circumstance, to ponder on the future, and observe our individual pasts and presents. We can all, theoratically, do better than before, depending, of course, on what "better" means for us. Therefore, think -- what can you do better, and what you should better not doing? The answer is within your reach with enough time spent in contemplation.
If you wish to support me, consider checking the digital book shop I have recently opened. Thank you for reading thus far. Haters will be blocked on the spot.