(Background reading music: Kefka [slowed & reverb] - FFVI OST - YouTube)
Can't sleep, despite being tired,
While trying to do so for a whole night.
Stiff neck and shoulders since childhood.
Third generation, minimum, of mental health history,
But her lineage was a good idea for some reason.
13 years of ear-screaming,
Because "Education is good".
Not enough air,
Despite being attached to a respirator.
Using a cane,
Despite being 25 of age.
Drank so much water,
But in thirst remains,
As if I walked for hours,
Despite not doing so,
For 3 years.
Physically threatened with death,
Because I walked a dog.
A person I loved,
Physically ignored my existence for 3 years,
And made me throw up throughout,
And believed that's more than okay,
And is now happily wed.
Moved half a country for peace,
But the anxiety resumes.
May live in my apartment with little exit,
Because of my problems.
Without my mother,
Who taught me solitude and asceticism,
I would not function.
Former landlady could've replaced my broken bed,
Where I spend most of my days,
But didn't care enough.
For over a decade,
Chronic pain began,
And spread deep,
Like ants in a sandbox.
One by one,
But just rest momentarily.
Despite the unjust, disproportionate,
I am serene with reality.
This realization helped:
These are just feelings.
Hedonists, who crave joy,
But cower and retreat at the sight of unpleasantry,
Repulse me so.
They are limited by joy,
Like an alcoholic to his alcohol,
JUST THE SAME,
AS THEY DESIRE IT.
Who cares, if after all, feeling good, is good!
Who cares, if an opportunity is missed,
As long as one gets to feel that sweet, sweet,
Lack of pain?
They lack patience, and thus, endurance,
Because "they do not feel comfortable" (Hebrew: Lo Naim).
Because "It is not appropriate" (Hebrew: Lo Mat'im).
They say they don't want to do certain things,
Because "they suffered" doing them,
Even for a few minutes minimum!
Do you detect the vulnerability?
Try making the same excuses under my conditions.
I dare you.
Why pretend to be well-versed,
When you were never in my shoes?
Maybe didn't, even,
Experimented with the idea?