Contemplations From Being Connected to a Machine
Updated: Feb 18
My neurologist decided that I need to provide some data regarding my breathing, because he suspects that I might not have inside oxygen in the brain.
Therefore, I went to a sleep lab to attain a special, temporary testing device that you literally need to tie around you and eventually connect it to your nose. Also, one of my fingers is also connected to this device, so writing this would be more difficult physically. Expect a shorter article.
I needed a tutorial, provided by the lab, to help me connect this, and couldn't do so by myself so I needed my neighbour. The test will automatically begin once I'm to fall asleep.
At first I felt like a supervillain with this sci-fi stuff. Like Bane from Batman, like Darth Vader. However, as I'm writing this now, I am not amused... In fact, I feel very, very limited, and not just physically.
I feel like I am a part of something that is alien from me; An invader, straight into my nostrils. Breathing is quite difficult than expected initially. I do wonder, if intercourse might also feel like this, which is quite a fright to me -- to be connected to a foreign entity, dependent on it, unseparated, even for a while.
I feel... quite violated, not free, not independent. It's like a huge, alien parasite, jumping on my face, laying on my chest, and just beginning to share my air with. Share, not by being in the same room, but rather... in the same lungs.
Don't be fooled by assumption. My lungs are not connected, only my nostrils; Two, metallic tubes, taking some of the air I summon into said lungs. They feel like thieves, bandits. I'm not sure if I find it harder to bring because of stress, or because of them stealing said air, away from me.
Since a long time... I feel... quite desolate, even though I've embraced my solitude already. It's just this "invader", having to rest with me, that makes me feel "alone". "Alone", with someone you don't really know; with someone that has, in a way, invaded your body.
One of the reasons I'm afraid of dating and such, is because I fear ***e. I know that I'm physically strong, or so I think, but I also know that men can experience that too. Therefore, every woman, relevant to romance, could be a threat, even if I'm taller, bigger and stronger than most of them. I kind of feel violated by this device, so that's why I'm writing this down.
I don't like touch in general, physical touch. It makes me feel less pure, as if I am no longer free; As if as there is little escape; As if there's no escape. To feel under foreign agency, physically at least, is something I despise, even if it's from someone I know and love. Hugs, and especially kisses, are something which makes me feel less free, less fresh, and less pure.
I am aware of what s** entails, I know that very well from education, and that's exactly why I despise the idea, even as a man. To enter someone else's private area... why would anyone like it? And yet, many have, will and do like it.
This is why I feel very lonely right now, because a metallic "parasite" too has agency over me, and I can't escape until dawn, when someone will come and return the device. It's one thing to accept your own company: it's another, with something totally foreign, and in this case, mechanic.
I really don't like this, but I guess there's no choice in being very anxious, and getting into a panic attack... Is this why I am not anxious right now, because I have this premise in mind?
It's like when I got injected, and for a while, the sharp edge couldn't find a blood tube; I guess I gave up on dysfunctional worries, and hope for a salvation, where there is none at the moment.
In 6 hours, the mechanic violation will finally be over, and I will be free again; Free to better move with my body, free to get the full share of each breathe, and finally -- physically pure, whatever that means.