Condemned by Desire (How It's Like)
Updated: May 6
Imagine yourself as a person who can only do whatever his desires tell him to do. Should he try to do something against his desires, by his own alternative motive, he will be stalled in the form of exhaustion, and should he do it even further, said exhaustion would even be more intense than beforehand.
A person such as that cannot function well within society, as the latter expects him to constantly do things irrespective of his desires. Thus, he will either remain unfortunate, or try to make the best of whatever desires he has been condemned to have.
Such a person, unfortunately, is me. Do you remember when I wrote about exhaustion? I only recently realized how "hypocritical" that thing is.
Should I try to do whatever these desires don't want me to do, I will become exhausted to the point of paralysis. In short, even if I had great motives to do something I don't feel a desire to, I will not be able to see it accomplished without the possibility of exhaustion. In other words, you can say I am condemned by desire.
I don't believe in God or gods. I never saw the reason to. I lived a good, pleasant life without ever being religious. All of the fortunate things I had were not due to supernatural or earthly things. Money, a good family, security from the country, understanding from those around me, and so on.
It never occurred to me that I "need" to convert myself to religion in order to live a satisfying, decent life. After all, I have managed to get through said process. Thus, I never really understood why praying or any other religious ritual is imperative, beyond its contributions to the individual and their religious communities.
The reason I'm bringing this up is because, no one knows why I am bound by desire, not even my psychologist. Since my first job, I have failed at having another job because exhaustion ripped apart every experience at any job I tried.
If I remain bound to my desires, I will probably spend the rest of my life writing and sharing articles, with very little difference in any other field of life.
It isn't childishness. I really tried doing things that were hindered by my exhaustion. I couldn't resume them. It's like eating a hot potato; you can't eat the whole thing because your mouth will become too hot to chew it all at once.
I do not know if this is a "curse," an unknown syndrome, or whatever. I only know that it exists and that it might as well be incurable along with the rest of my shortcomings.
Am I directed by a "higher being" to do stuff for them? Are my desires "orders" from a "divine realm"? Have I become a minion of a mysterious demon lord?
It feels grand to think of such things, when, in reality, all there is, is ignorance. Uncertainty. What there is to know, however, is that hope does not appear on the horizon.
I won't be surprised to realize, that if destiny exists in this chaotic universe, my endeavors are meant for a reason whose existence is unclear to me.
There is this game I really like, Suikoden. It is all about gathering people called the "Stars of Destiny" in order to overthrow an oppressive regime. Each star has its own name, and the overall number of said stars is around 100. These stars are specific to a specific person, and if they are ununited, the new force may be victorious, but with a certain missed opportunity.
What I'm trying to say is this: Perhaps some of us are "stars," people destined to do something specific in their lives, and it is imperative that they do it, or they shall fail in the purpose of their existence. I too do not know if destiny exists, but it feels comforting, and even relaxing, to see one's disability as a way of directing energy towards something specific.
After all, he who is free, is faced with the burden of choice; he who is bound, sees little need to choose other than his limited directive, personalized.
I never wanted this. I wanted to be free from my own willpower, to be able to make whatever decision I like without being bound to this body or the limitations that it carries. I guess it is decided, regardless of my approach -- the desire calls me to write, and write I shall.